Thursday, April 18, 2024

I CONFESS: No sex, please, I’m over 50


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I FELT IT IMPORTANT to speak out on an issue which has been affecting me which I need to get off my chest in an effort to have some relief.

I am also hoping that at least a few of your readers will want to respond to my comments as the feedback is important to help me move forward. Even though a professional counsellor such as a psychologist or even a psychiatrist may be important, I think that speaking publicly, even if anonymously, may be even better.

As with many women out there, my issue is a matter of the heart. I am 57 years old and have been in search of companionship and had hoped to find a man with certain qualities. The truth is that I actually found a gentleman who has met and in some instances surpassed many of the requirements I sought.

This man is eight years older than I am, is not married or in any way attached and has a comfortable lifestyle. He is not rich by any means, but certainly not hand-to-mouth either. But for me, while his personal finances are not the key factor, they are important to balance in the relationship. I am still working and without any children or direct dependents and am somewhat comfortable.

We have been dating for about six months, which has meant going out to dinner to a number of restaurants, ranging from expensive establishments to the casual sit down. During Crop Over we attended a number of the calypso tents and went to both the Semi-finals and the Finals and enjoyed each other’s company on Kadooment Day watching the spectacle.

There was certainly a lot of traction in the relationship as it grew and so we attended a few back-in-time fetes and would go to the beach on a Saturday morning for an early sea bath.

My friend is not a churchgoer nor is he religious, even though he was brought up in the church. He is not anti-religious by any means, so he readily accepted my offer to attend church with me on a number of occasions. I felt proud having him there with me, as I always tend to be proud when we are out together.

Things have been going well until the past two weeks. He has gone away on personal business and to spend two weeks with relatives and I am using the time to reflect on the relationship and the way forward. What has occupied my mind is whether it will work out since we clearly have different things on our agendas.

Just before he left the island we went out a weekend night to dinner and then dancing afterwards. It was indeed a delightful evening. Afterwards we went back to my house and watched television. It was then, as we would say in Barbadian parlance, he started to get fresh. He said that he felt we were going out long enough that we could become intimate. We kissed but I did not let it become too passionate since I know my weaknesses and where it would lead.

He obviously felt annoyed and disappointed. I saw it in his face and his eyes and by his mannerism. He told me we were grown adults and that since there was no one in his life or for that matter mine, we should not have any lingering doubts or inhibitions.

I feel differently and am not keen to take that step.

The truth is that I am at the stage in my life where I want a man in my life but not a sexual relationship. I told my pastor some years ago about my feelings and he told me then that since I have given my life to the Lord I should stay away from all such activity. The way I feel deep down inside is that even if I were to get married I would not want to have a sexual relationship. I have not been sexually active for the past 12 years and believe that that side of my life has come to an end.

I have a sister of faith who attends the same church and with whom I speak on many issues. I told her of the relationship and the incident. I outlined his reaction and indicated what I want in any relationship at this stage.

Her response in some ways encouraged me to put pen to paper and hence this letter, which she said I should write and monitor any responses. This woman is older than I am. She will be 65 just before Christmas.

To my surprise she indicated that she and her live-in lover have an active sexual relationship and she hopes it continues as long as possible.

I was left dumbfounded since I felt she had long given up on the things of the world. But to make matters worse, she had another sister-in-faith, who is two years older than I, tell me that she too is very sexually active. She is unfortunately not married nor is her boyfriend a permanent live-in.

The entire situation is worrisome and confusing. I still have my beliefs and want to be firm with them. But I want the man in my life, and am hoping, on his return, to encourage him to go the course with me. I sincerely believe there are many things we can share and do without becoming sexually active.


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