MY FRIEND Amanda was waxing warm on her pain threshold while at Yin Yang Spa. She admitted that childbirth was one of the easier things she’s done in her life thus far, so you know this woman could take some pain! I on the other hand, can’t take pain at all.
In fact, I bit my tongue in town last week. Head and everything else started to hurt. I left to go and get some bed rest to recover from the wound. No mastication for the remainder of the day, as the tongue needed to heal. So imagine my experience of getting waxed at the spa, at the suggestion of my beloved friend.
Now, reader, I am not a hairy person; so the waxing was more of a novelty for me than anything else. But I also don’t really like hair anywhere else other than on my head, so that was a persuading factor in my decision as well. One of my classmates loves sporting her hairy chest; she’s happy with her hirsutism . . . and apparently it’s a hit with the boyfriend too. But you see if that was me, I would be pulling out my hair. Literally.
So back to the waxing. A tourist who had a back wax came out smiling.
“It can’t be that bad,” I thought. I went in to face the heat. “Murder!” That interjection, along with other Bajanisms, spewed forth frantically. It was like the skin was being ripped off my flesh and as if the waxer was preparing me for some lime and salt by pulling it all off. Somehow, after about half an hour, amidst weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, it was all over.
You should see me now. I keep touching myself all over. Smoothness like the Jaguar in the Simpson Motors showroom that I like to pass and touch up when no one’s looking. I would do it all over again. I can’t say I would go as far as the masochists who like to pour wax on each other for the sake of what’s supposed to be sexiness, but I do feel a bit extra special after the entire affair.
After the waxing I went to Dr Shirley Jhagroo’s office. We were talking about lady issues and other stuff that would make even Richie Hoad blush.
“The labour laws are a very serious thing,” maintained Dr Jhagroo.
“Yes, it is important to keep staff happy and healthy and abide by the laws, or you could have serious repercussions,” I responded.
“With all the unrest around us, employers need to be so very careful to pay attention to the laws.”
Dr Jhagroo looked up at me. I realised we were on different pages.
“Veoma, I mean that doctors must pay attention to the labour laws so that they time a woman’s contractions perfectly, so that no damage is done to the female organs.”
Labour laws for women – now that’s a course I never studied at the Cave Hill Law Faculty!
Veoma Ali is an author, broadcaster, advertising exec and, most important, a karaoke lover.