MY FATHER WAS an alcoholic and sometimes when he drank heavily, he would “start a noise” with my mother and beat her.
I always hated him for that. I despised him so much that I never told him that I loved him – because I didn’t.
As for my mother, I never could understand why she would stick with him. It was only after I became a teenager, and by that time my father was old and could not do for himself, that I found out why mummy took his abuse.
I would never forget what she said. “You do what you have to do for those you love,” she told me.
It was only then that I realised she stood for my father’s foolishness for my sister and me. She could not afford to take care of us by herself, so she had to stay with him.
With that understanding, I vowed I would never be in a situation or put myself in a position where I had to solely depend on anyone for support, so that they could treat me unfairly. And, thank God, I have stuck to that.
Today, though, I realise that dependence on people takes many forms. What I mean is that although I am single, have no children and am financially independent, I find myself emotionally dependent and susceptible to another form of abuse.
In my situation, I am in love with a 50-plus-year-old divorcee and father. I am 49. We were living together for just over three years, and I regarded him to be as precious to me as the oxygen I have to breathe to live.
He is an intelligent, articulate man, who looks good, dresses well and, to boot, is a fantastic lover.
To be truthful, I never thought I would ever find a man with his qualities. I had loved and lost so many times before meeting him that I had all but given up on relationships.
In fact, when we started talking, I acted as hard to get as possible because I wanted to see if he was serious about his feelings towards me, or was just interested in getting into my pants.
That we eventually became intimate and started living together was the result of my realisation that all men out there are not the same, and he was one.
Those years together were beautiful. We used to discuss anything, share everything, and do most things together. We both love to talk, play music and entertain, so people were always over at our home liming and having a great time.
After searching all my life, I thought I had finally found my soulmate — or, as mummy used to say, ‘the piece of cloth that suits me best’.
This was important for me as a mature woman because the reality is that if after reaching a certain age a woman does not have a man, she is on the shelf.
I know a lot of women, particularly professional women, who would dismiss this point. But, like me, they know that when loneliness hits, we all have regrets about not having someone who cares for us as individuals, as against people just hanging on to us for what we give to them, or what they think that they can get from being around us.
So even though I am fiercely independent, I still wanted my own man, and I regarded myself as a good catch because I am passionate and respectful about the man I love.
You could well imagine the disappointment and pain I felt when I discovered that my man had slept with a friend of his daughter’s and got her pregnant.
Imagine, he actually had unprotected sex with a 24-year-old, yet his daughters are 23 and 25, respectively.
If anyone had told me even three months ago that he had done this, or was even capable of doing something like this, I would have told them off. Yet that was what he did.
Now I am in a pickle. I love what this man was to me, but I despise him for going with someone else, particularly such a young person.
Right now, I can’t stand to see him or hear his voice.
Everyone knows he got the girl pregnant because his daughters have talked about it, as they too are very upset over what he has done.
And I feel stupid because I am always all over him, yet he had his eye on this young woman all along. So many people must be laughing at me now, as Bajans just revel in people’s misfortune.
Other mature women would understand what I mean by this. It is devastating to our self-esteem when our men leave us for younger women, especially girls half our age.
Though such cheating says a lot about the morality of the man, you can’t feel good to know he chose a firm, young body over yours. It is hurtful!
All he keeps doing is apologising and begging for another chance, but how can I ever trust him again?
If I take him back I would always be fearing that he would do this to me again. And then there is the baby to consider. He would have to spend time with the child and support it. And, of course, Little Missy would be trying to get him for herself, which might cause a whole set of stress.
So, as much as I love him, I have to think long and hard before I take that step.
But the reason why I am speaking about this is to show why there are a lot of old men living on their own and catching hell.
When they were young and strong, a lot of them might have been like my father and my lover and might have treated the women in their lives badly. So now they are old, they have no one to love and take care of them. The only people who want them around want their house or their money.
I hope that the men out there who continue to treat their women badly realise that one day they will not be able to “do” for themselves, and they will need someone they can trust to be with them. And they will have no one else to turn to but the same women they are ill-treating now.
Think, men – sex is not everything.
