WHATEVER MOTIVATES MARRIED MEN to cheat, the end result of their action is usually the same: pain and disappointment for their wives, and discord in their household.It is a situation that, unfortunately, seems widespread in Barbados at every socio-economic level.This week’s question – Should a wife take back her husband after the two of them separated because he had an affair with another woman; and if yes, under what conditions? – sought to examine this very emotional issue. It was inspired by a woman who related her battle to save her marriage.The woman said her husband became involved with a younger female, with whom he spent time nearly everyday, and even took overseas on what were supposed to be business trips. When she found out and confronted him, he promised to end the affair but he never did.The issue came to a head again, but this time he left her for the woman. After staying away for months he returned, telling her he realised he was wrong and asking for her forgiveness. She forgave him and they got back together.She admitted that she loves her husband and that was why she took him back. She will never forget what he did, but intends to do whatever it takes for them to become a happy couple again.We found her story incredible. The quality of her love is certainly unconditional.What we also found inspiring was her ability to forgive. She explained that forgiving her husband was about relieving herself from the anger and resentment she felt. It was her way, too, of clearing the skeletons from her closet so as to move forward positively.The following are edited responses to our question:• “A bad decision by a cheating husband does not have to end a marriage. If the love is strong enough, and if remorse on the part of the cheater and forgiveness from the wife are evident enough, then yes. It’s worth it to work at the marriage. Sometimes these pitfalls make for a sweeter union. However, where verbal, physical, or substance abuse were involved, I would then be more reluctant.”• “If he is truly repentant, they should get back together and forgive each other. True forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision combined with a change of heart. Obviously, they should use the necessary precautions if and when they become intimate. Get tested and so on. Getting tested doesn’t mean unforgiveness; it just means you’re being prudent.”• “A wife should go back with her husband if they really love each other. Yes, there will be trust issues afterwards but no one is perfect. Forgive but do not forget.”• “He would have to prove himself, go to counselling, be accountable, and not make secret phone calls which would suggest that he is being deceptive. He would have to spend more time at home, and be open with his communication. Otherwise it will be more of the same.”• “If the other woman was so important that you want to throw away your marriage, keep her and keep moving on. Don’t come back.”• “All situations and all couples are different, but it is truly hard to forgive a cheat, especially if forgetting is the criteria for forgiveness. To my mind, he is bound to do it again. Forgive him then forget him is what I would say.”• “It would take a whole lot of forgiveness and forgetting as cheating always leaves a trail of hurt and pain, not to mention trust issues. For there to be a reunion, both would have to be willing to forgive and forget in the true sense of the words and realise that there will be issues. This is a journey that must be embarked upon with patience and understanding. Counselling might also help.”• “Counselling for both parties is very important in a scenario like this. There obviously had to be reasons why the infidelity occurred in the first place, hence the counselling would be to see if both parties can move past that. “However, I think that there would always be these underlying trust issues because the unfaithful person might think that their partner might seek revenge, and the other partner might think that the unfaithful partner is at it again when they can’t account for their whereabouts. There are bound to be ramifications.”• “Everyone has to make what they think is the right decision for themselves. If you feel you can get past the hurt, disappointment and humiliation, then go for it. You cannot truly forgive and still remember; you have to forget in order to move on in relationships. Personally, that trust is broken and for me trust is important. I would say no, he would have to go.”• “Forgiveness can become a habit; cheating can become addictive. People who cheat are always sorry, are always never going to do it again – note the ‘always’, which means they are usually repeat offenders.
