SECRETS’ CORNER – Breaking up not easy

BREAKING UP is hard to do, and when children are involved, the decision is even more difficult to make.To split with a spouse or long-term lover means admitting that all the time and energy invested in that relationship has come to naught. That reality is often a very bitter pill to swallow. And when the pair share children and property, this emotionally charged situation becomes even more problematic as the feelings and perceptions of their offspring must also be considered before any definitive action is taken.Given this, it’s not a straightforward or obvious move to walk away from a cheating or abusive spouse, for example, as those from the outside looking in would suggest. Also, some partners hold steadfastly to the belief that given time, greater effort and divine intervention the relationship could improve.For this reason, some people stay in contentious and loveless unions for years – hence this week’s question: You feel strongly that children should be raised by both parents, and for that reason you always put your children first. However, the relationship with your spouse is ailing with no likelihood of improvement. Is it best to stay together for the sake of the children, or split up for your happiness?To us there is no right or obvious choice when faced with this dilemma. It is up to the individual involved to take the action that they think best suits them, given the circumstances of their situation. That said, we do feel it is folly to continue in a union where one is being short-changed. Life is too short to live in a state of unhappiness and bewilderment. And as love is as perennial as the grass, in time one will be able to overcome the pain and bond anew.The following are edited versions of comments received:• “The best thing to do would be to separate; you may even get along better. . . The children pick up on the fighting and know you are not happy, and may take that behaviour into their adult relationships.”• “Children being raised by both parents may be everyone’s dream, but if the relationship is taking a toll on you emotionally, physically and financially, and the romance is gone, it’s wise to part ways. I did and have no regrets.”• “If you are not happy, you cannot make others happy. In the end the children still suffer as they know. In any case, when they grow up they leave; so jump ship now.”• “Leave. You are not helping your children by raising them in an atmosphere of negativity, deceit, or outright hatred.“My parents split when I was very small and, thankfully, they did not argue and so on in front of me. “I think it is healthier to get out of a sour relationship and start over. A friend of mine told his mother outright that she was a fool for staying with his father when there was obviously nothing good going on between them.”• “Staying in a relationship because of children never works. A child can have both parents involved in its life without both of them living under the same roof and at each other’s throat – that is definitely not healthy for their upbringing and mental development. “We mothers need to be happy also. We can only give of our best or produce at our best when we are happy with ourselves; being unhappy is not an answer – it is not an option just because children are involved.”• “If you stay together in an unhealthy relationship, you are teaching your children that this is the norm and setting up a negative blueprint for them.“Children need positive interactions from both parents where possible. You should strive to be the person you want your child to be with.”• “The most important thing is to explain to your children when they are old enough why the relationship couldn’t work. Assure them that their father/mother still loves them and this can be further reinforced, if the father/mother still plays a crucial part in their lives in all ways.”• “Definitely call it quits for your own happiness. The children will resent your misery in their lives if you stay together for them. You will lose the marriage and the children in the end. Put your happiness and that of the children first and all else will fall in place.”• “Try every means possible to get the relationship on track and if that fails, move on. My divorce was a good decision. We have joint custody and our daughter is happier.”• “Splitting up should never be the first option, especially when children are involved. You had to have loved each other initially prior to getting married. “Try counselling first to rekindle what you once had and only if that fails consider divorce for the sake of your well-being and that of your children.”