Wednesday, April 17, 2024

SECRETS CORNER: Fulfilling desires

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RESEARCH FROM THE United States suggests that a high percentage of the men who visit prostitutes are married. They patronise these women, and sometimes men, primarily because they are seeking something that they aren’t getting at home, and they want it without having to commit themselves to a relationship that could later complicate their lives. Here in Barbados, soliciting sexual favours is against the law. But more than just illegal, prostitution is also regarded as morally wrong and dirty, and those who engage in it are considered as no good. Therefore, the thought of a married man or someone in a committed union frequenting prostitutes here is frowned on and, if discovered, could lead to grave embarrassment, a possible break-up, or certainly a severe strain in a relationship.But like it or not, and in spite of these general feelings about this vice, married and committed men here do use the services of prostitutes. Why do they do it? This week’s question – Why do some married men, or those in a committed relationship, still frequent prostitutes? – sought to explore this.Many of you were forthright in your responses, particularly those two men who called. Both said they were involved, but paid for sex when they wanted something different.The one who said he was in a relationship for just over three years said in part: “You get what you pay for without having to worry about satisfying her, or trying to do things to get her in a mood to do it (have sex).”The other guy noted: “They’re things I would like to do which my girlfriend considers nasty. I don’t want to get her vex by asking anymore, so . . . .”Both men said they did not consider going with a prostitute as cheating as they were not involved with the woman – they saw it as just a business transaction.The one woman who called on this thinks men who engage prostitutes are “D-mons – despicable, dirty, disloyal and disrespectful to their wives and women”. She said these were the men who “bring home sickness” and suggested that women who found out their men did that should dump them.Such strong feelings characterise the views on this  emotionally charged issue. Be that as it may, the fact that some married men and those in long-term unions willingly patronise prostitutes suggests they are being satisfied in a manner that they are not with their partner.The research shows that some men would like to experiment sexually while their partners are not inclined to, or the man may not want to do that particular act with his partner as he may think she is above that. So he pays someone, who is discreet, to satisfy that particular desire.Whether this is right or wrong is debatable. What is certain though is that many individuals have sexual desires they would like fulfilled and we feel they should be able to discuss them with their partner. If you can’t, then either there is a communication challenge in your relationship, or your fetish is really out there. Both situations suggest something unhealthy.Married couples and those committed to each other need to get their sex lives together right, for if they don’t it can lead to one of them getting involved with someone else or soliciting prostitutes for gratification. The following are edited versions of comments received:• “Prostitutes are cheaper than having an outside woman, and less headaches too.”• “Men get to step out with no strings attached and the fact that they think no one will find out.”• “One word – lust.”• “To get the sexual acts they wouldn’t dare ask or suggest to their wives or significant others do.”• “Some men are just plain old nasty. . . They are watching too many blue movies and think their partners should be doing the same things they see, and when they don’t, the men then seek out prostitutes. And we wonder why AIDS will never stop.”• “Maybe we just need to accept men have more of a need for sex than women and if their partner is not fulfilling their needs, some go elsewhere. It’s not right, but sex with a prostitute (if it’s in a clean environment) has no strings attached, whereas relationships and marriage require a lot of input and sex is just one part of it.”• “Women, don’t be offended, but a man who treats his wife the way a wife needs to be treated really loves his wife. If that same man frequents prostitutes, understand one thing: it’s not love, but a physical act.• “He is not willing to explore doing those things with his wife and the mother of his children; or maybe she is not willing to do that. • “Many of these visits are about sexual adventure that maybe his wife and the mother of his children is not willing to provide or may frown upon. And if these things are insisted on in that relationship [they] could cause a lot of harm.

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