ANGER, BLAME, shock, denial, depression.
All natural reactions in the grieving process, according to two trained counsellors.
Psychologist Pastor Anderson Kellman and counsellor Deidra Wentt often do grief counselling as part of their jobs, and agree that there is no time limit or script involved in the grieving process, and that people deal with their grief in different ways.
Three factors that can impact on how people express their grief are the way in which they were thrown into a state of loss, the age of the deceased, and the fact that someone is yet to be apprehended for the murders.
Six young women between the ages of 18 and 24 met their fiery deaths long before their prime last Friday night when two robbers set fire to the Campus Trendz store on Tudor Street, The City.
A nation was immediately plunged into mourning at the cruel and senseless way in which the six perished, but there are six families and close friends in Barbados, Guyana and St Vincent, whose loved ones’ lives were snuffed out, and are probably the most affected.
Sudden loss
“The issue with sudden loss is that it doesn’t give persons a chance to say goodbye. And that, I believe, is going to be one of the more challenging aspects for the parents of those children and their friends . . . .
“How they’re dealt with in the whole funeral arrangement will become a very important issue in terms of, do they get a chance to say goodbye in their own unique way? Closure is going to be very critical to those persons being able to deal with this loss,” Kellman told the WEEKEND NATION.
The fact that they are both working with some of the bereaved families notwithstanding, Kellman and Wentt say the best gift that can be given at this time is presence.
They say the bereaved may need people to be there to lend support by way of allowing them to talk if they want, preparing meals, grocery shopping, a shoulder to cry on and the like.
“We need to put the onus on the individual and give them what they need. And what they need is the freedom to be. Be, may be to get angry, be, may be to just cry. As long as they’re not hurting themselves, then persons need to have the freedom just to be, and this situation is a very tragic one.
“There were multiple deaths, loss of property, loss of safety, all kinds of loss. And therefore we need to give those persons a chance to express themselves in whatever way they want to express themselves at this time,” Kellman said.
Wentt pointed out that in being present it was important to be genuine and deliver on promises made.
In addition to being present, they say, those lending support must recognise when to be silent and let the bereaved be without invading their physical or mental space.
Anger was the first emotion mentioned by the counsellors when the subject of grief was broached.
“We [have] got to expect it because . . . of the way the people would have died, but also as a reaction to persons’ powerlessness, [that] there is nothing we could have done to avert this situation as it unfolded. That also will produce a measure of anger, coupled with the fact [of] how they would have died,” Kellman explained.
He said blame was attached to anger.
“In all these things someone must take responsibility. That is going to be natural . . . . You can expect it to become a major challenge in this process,” he stated.
Wentt agreed. She said anger and blame would be instinctive and that people should not be rushed through these emotions.
“Allow them to release anger in a safe place . . . . Try to understand how people are feeling,” she said.
Let them cry
“Let them know that whatever they are feeling is okay. Encourage them, if they want to cry, let them cry,” Wentt added.
For most there is a state of shock, and Kellman said the mind had an “emotional surge protector” that kicked in and let things through at increments and helped one to cope.
Tied in with all that is guilt, where people feel they could have done something or did not do enough.
“When we die, people start to link things together that normally would not have had any type of linkages and that is what would create that type of guilt,” he explained.
The funeral services will be another key part of the process and a start to the healing process for some, but again the counsellors say people should not be forced into doing anything.
Kellman advocates that people be given the right to say goodbye either at the viewing or at the funeral. Traditional forms of saying that final farewell include letters, toys, roses and keepsakes.
For him, the greatest support should be after the funeral when things have gone back to “normal”. That is when the bereaved would need a core of support people, he said.
Prayer and faith are crucial in helping those who are grieving to cope, the counsellors say, but Kellman said one should be wary of forcing a spiritual explanation too early.
And while he does not want to second-guess the opinions of physicians, Kellman is against medicating those affected by the loss unless they are “sufficiently traumatised”.
He added that people might need to go through the process naturally.
While both Wentt and Kellman advocate allowing people to do what they need to get through the grieving process, they say they should be monitored for any unusual change in behaviours which might be an indicator that they may need some intervention by a trained counsellor.