“If loving you is wrong I don’t wanna be right
If being right means being without you
I’d rather live a wrong doing life . . .” – (If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don’t Want To Be Right by Homer Banks, Carl Hampton and Raymond Jackson.
MANY WOULD HAVE heard the song (If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don’t Want To Be Right at some point. It’s about a man expressing commitment to an adulterous love affair, while at the same time acknowledging that the relationship is morally wrong.
That this song was recorded by 14 different artistes in 38 years and has made the Billboard Top 100 chart a number of times, including being No. 1, suggests that many can relate to the sentiments expressed in it.
Similar to the song, this week’s question – What do you do when you’re in love with someone you cannot have? – speaks to the matter of forbidden love, a relationship that is morally unacceptable.
We didn’t say it, but the question came from a woman who said she is in love with her younger sister’s husband. We omitted saying this to avoid colouring your responses.
Anyway, apart from what she called the “foolish thoughts that I want to sleep with a married man”, the fact that it is her sister’s husband has this woman totally disgusted with herself, “but I can’t get him out of my mind”.
According to the woman, she and her sister’s husband were great friends for years, but she went away, met someone and married. When that relationship ended, she reached across the miles and his was the sympathetic ear. But she did not return here for another few years. In the interim, he married her sister. She was genuinely happy for the two of them as she loves them both.
Since returning, however, she has found herself drawn to him and having “immoral thoughts”.
We advised her to confront her feelings and deal with the reality of the situation, as any action on her part could not only break up a family but cause a major fracture within her own clan.
We explained that she had a responsibility to do the right thing, and that included not enticing him, subtlely or overtly, in any way. This is a lose/lose situation no matter how it plays out.
The following are edited versions of responses to our question:
• “It would not be easy, but I would try really hard to let go. I already know the ‘score’; I cannot have him – he’s not ‘into’ me.”
• “Statistics show that pursuing such love is like committing emotional and psychological ‘suicide’ and to continue would inevitably lead to poor self-esteem and self-destruction, lack of self-confidence and not eating, sleeping or taking care of oneself properly.
“This fixation can further lead to mental distress, requiring one to seek professional help which can sometimes be very costly.”
• “Getting over someone can sometimes appear to be impossible. It feels really bad when you fall in love with someone you can’t have. I believe that to forget someone is one of the hardest assignments given in life, especially if you had this gut feeling that he/she is the one. All of these thoughts criss-crossing your mind can drive you in sane.
“If we know for a fact that there is no hope for a mutual love, then why torture ourselves? Move on. Treat it like a divorce. Force yourself to live without reference to that person and keep meeting other people. Love is like a bus stop: there’s always going to be another opportunity for the bus to stop again.”
• “Deal with reality. Stop hoping and dreaming. Pray and tell God; ask the Father to take this from you, and He will. Then continue to deal with reality.”
• “They were not yours to have, so you should just try to forget them and move on with your life.”
• “We always have a choice in such situations. We have the potential to be a “bunny boiler’’ or deal with the reality by letting go and moving on. We are in charge of our emotions, not the other way around.”
FOR NEXT SATURDAY, please share your advice or personal experiences and help a fellow reader. Seven years ago, just three days before our wedding day, my husband had an affair with his ex-girlfriend. I found this out only two weeks ago. It came out when she and I had a heated argument over her calling him so often. He said it was a one-off thing – but how can I trust him? How do you think I should handle this?
Please give us your answer by calling or texting us at telephone number 262-5986 or by emailing us at [email protected]. (SP)
