People say it’s disrespectful to get into the Christmas mood before Independence day come and gone. Well they can cuss me because this year I am being one of the exceptions to the expectations.
You see, I am not waiting for Independence day to come or to go to start putting together the what I will be looking forward to receive for Christmas this year. And this year it’s no longer a case of people giving me what they want. Oh no, this year it has to be what I tell them I want. So check with me first before you start spending your money.
So here is programme:
Forget about the customary bottles of deodorant, after shave lotions, shaving sets, soap dishes and such. No matter how expensive are the brands you might be thinking about, leave them in the store because I have enough already.
Forget about brand-name shirts, brand-name jeans, brand-name ties, brand-name shoes, brand-name socks, brand-name belts, brand-name caps, brand-name tie pins and brand-name cuff links and brand-name trousers. I have enough of them too.
Forget about the tool kits, the cell phones, the laptops, the wine glasses, the cutlery sets, the microwave ovens, the mini refrigerators, the dinner ware, the bar stools and even the recliner. I have enough of those kinds of things also.
Forget about the flat screen HD television sets no matter how big. It doesn’t matter if you might be considering a fifty-something inch, a sixty-something inch or even monstrous 100 and something inch screen, if they have anything that large in Barbados. Know that the one I already have big enough and good enough for my purposes.
Forget about the watches. I don’t need watches to tell time when time is all around me all day on the computer, on the mobile phone, on the TV channels, on the radio and on the dashboard of the vehicle. What would I want with more time?
Forget about the bicycles, the exercise equipment, the gym subscriptions, the running shoes and whatever else you might have in mind to help me reduce the size of my stomach. I have enough of those things unused and with a little will-power and application I can reduce my big guts and increase the visible length of what’s beneath it in a hurry.
Forget about the rums, the vodkas, the brandies, the gins, the wines and even the champagnes.
I might not have enough of them but if I run out I have friends that I can run at and fire a few.
I could go on and on until the end of the column but the point is this. If you haven’t got the message yet that I do not want or need any of the traditional gifts of Christmas by now then something has to be wrong with your understanding.
So what do I want for Christmas? All I want, rather need, is a cow.
I need a cow so that when I awake in the morning and before I reach home in the evening I can sit at her side on a short stool, wash off her udders and then gently squeeze myself a container of good, nutritious, proper tasting, non ultra-pasteurised fresh milk. Nothing more, nothing less.
In the meantime, have a happy Independence.
• Al Gilkes is head of a public relations firm.
