I WANT?TO?speak to the issue of discrimination and stigmatization which people tend only to focus on when some HIV/AIDS campaign or event is going on. I chose this time because I did not want my views to get lost in the mix of information that is released about this topic at those times.
My daughter died from the virus. I cared for her from the time she took a turn for the worse and was unable to take care of herself. I won’t say when she died, how old she was, or any other personal details because I don’t want her to be identified. In any case, that is not pertinent to what I want to talk about.
The only personal detail that is important is that she was very attractive.
Though I loved her dearly I did not approve of her lifestyle. She liked men, whether they were married or not, and was involved with quite a few. She also had lesbian tendencies and admitted to me that she was intimate with quite a few females.
Why she was like this is not my focus either. That was just how she lived her life. I never could understand why she did it and we got into several noises over it. I could never fathom why a nice girl like her who grew up in the church, did well at school, and had a good job would lead such a promiscuous lifestyle. But that is exactly what she did.
Entertained men
Anyway, my concern is how people behaved when they learnt that someone they knew and were close to had AIDS.
Before she took a turn for the worse she still used to entertain two men in particular; both of whom were married. She explained her weight loss was due to a thyroid problem and they believed her. I know she was intimate with them when she had the strength. And I know for sure that she used protection as she told me so.
After she was really weak and had to move back to my house, both of them still visited her and seemed genuinely concerned about her. That was until she confessed to them that she had the virus.
I was sitting on the opposite side of the bed when she told the first one. I swear his eyes nearly popped out of his head while his jaw dropped.
He was so shocked that all he could say was, “Okay”. Then, as if he didn’t hear her the first time, he asked her, “You sure?”
He stared at her speechless for about half a minute, then looked up at me, then back at her, and said he had to go. He left and I never saw him again. He was not even at the funeral.
Started cursing
The other guy nearly went ballistic when she told him the truth about her condition two days later. He started cursing and carrying on so much so that I had to tell him to step out of my house. He said she would burn in hell for being so worthless.
What he said stung me because it degraded her in my mind and I didn’t want that for her.
He, too, never came back to my house or even put in an appearance at her funeral. But he did call, twice in fact, and was abusive each time.
My daughter also told two girls she was friendly with. Both of them expressed shock and they too did not attend her funeral.
A few days later she asked me to call three other people and ask them to come and visit her. But none ever came. They each asked me, though, if she had the virus. For them to ask meant someone who was told had talked. That could only be one of a handful of people.
So in her last 19 weeks no one she associated with popped by or even picked up the phone and called to see how she was doing. Because she had AIDS, my daughter was an outcast. These were the same people who a few short months earlier were eating and drinking, laughing and talking, and a few were even having sex with her. She had the virus then, but they didn’t know because she did not look ill.
I can tell you first-hand how this act of discrimination hurt my daughter. It was as if those she cherished most abandoned her in her greatest time of need. Because of this she wanted to die.
The doctor told her if she took the medication and followed his instructions that she should get over that episode. But she did not want to live. She often refused to take the medication giving the excuse that it made her feel more sick than her illness.
The truth, though, is that she did not want to continue, knowing that the day she started walking around again people would be pointing fingers at her. So she willed herself to die.
After this experience I realized that discrimination and stigmatization of someone infected with AIDS is a totally wicked, selfish act that can only hasten the individual’s death.
It leaves the person feeling isolated, ashamed, and scared to face the world. That’s why people who are infected prefer not to say a word about their infection. And if they’re really sick, like my daughter, they prefer to die.
The other thing that discrimination and stigmatization of my daughter showed me was that people don’t seem to understand much about AIDS, even though there has been a lot of information circulating about it.
No need to fear
What I mean is, as you can only get the disease by an exchange of body fluids, no one has to fear coming to look for a sick person laid up in bed, or who just has enough strength to sit in a chair and chat. Yet, people stay away, afraid of contracting the disease.
I hope that no other infected person has to die friendless like my daughter did. True friends should rally around a sick friend because they cannot get the disease just by talking and laughing to someone. I pray that people would stop stigmatizing and discriminating against people with AIDS.
