Saturday, April 20, 2024

DE MARKET VENDOR – Danger in drinking if yuh can’t handle it


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It is said that you shouldn’t drink and drive but if yuh can’t hold de drinks you shouldn’t drink at all.
Some people does get real funny, others serious and yet others does get violent, like de folks on de plane from de mudder country de other day!
A fella I did know use to lecture we and say “Market, yuh got to get yuh priorities straight” and he could never walk a straight line while uttering them words.
I ain’t got much time fuh de violent ones but the fellas and de girls who does get happy could entertain de Vendor all night. I know a smart and beautiful young lady who does be prim and proper but let she tek a drink or two and she ready to get pun top ah tables and sing and she talking loud! Some ladies does get real loving and want to give hugs, kisses and more!
Ah drunk in Lucky Horseshoe one night look at muh boy Big George from the Caribbean Super Station, de CSS, and tell de waitress she shoulda bring an elephant fuh he to eat, all de while singing loud Bruno Mars’ Nothing On You, Baby and burping in between ‘That’s a big one burp!’
One night, a fella living in an apartment below come home late, de buddies check he out: “Randy, you good?”
“I good man,” he reply, and de fellas left.
He spend de next 45 minutes trying to get de key in de hole to open de door while talking to heself loud: “De woman gone, Randy, de . . . woman gone, she gone, ah tell yuh she gone.”
And just when yuh think Randy gone inside de house now, my boy start up again: “She gone Randy, de woman left yuh, Randy I tell yuh she gone, gone, gone.”
I had to look out ’cause I swear he talking to somebody but is he and de key alone! Muh partner say, Vendor, go down there and put dah key in de hole fuh he before I put a hole in he head from upstairs tonight! Muh boy was at de stage that the Trinis call foo foo loops, he did mash up over! More than likely he would not be bathing, shaving, washing, cleaning fuh some time to come!
I would be foo foo loops too, ’cause she did look real nice and was a sweet girl!
But de best I ever hear, and like de rest this is the truth and nothing but de truth, was ’bout a man charged in the certain Caribbean country many years ago with attempted murder.
Yuh wouldn’t believe who he try to murder!
De mother-in-law, and after he was found guilty, de judge was about to hand down he sentence.
“It was alcohol that made you want to murder your mother-in-law; it was alcohol that made you go out and buy a gun; it was alcohol that made you fire that gun at your mother-in-law. Now tell the court, what have you got to say for yourself?”
The accused stood up in the dock, head bowed and muttered something under his breath.
“Speak up!” said the judge. The man raised his head and his voice and said: “Your Honour, it was alcohol that made me miss!”
The judge thought that the man was displaying gross disrespect fuh de courts, that he didn’t show any remorse fuh what he had done and decide that he should get 20 years instead of the ten! What did de poor mother-in-law do to deserve such hatred? Maybe she used to cook some bad food or not invite muh boy to family gatherings!
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?


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