A mother is in anguish today over her daughter’s future. Her pain is caused by the child’s insistence on going out with a young man who has a criminal record and a bad reputation for violence.
What particularly grieves the mother about the relationship is that her daughter is doing well in her studies and has real career prospects, while her boyfriend is a secondary school dropout with no bankable skills.
What she can’t figure out is why her daughter, from a stable home and family and from a background where education has been the key to mobility, and who grew up going to church, would waste time with such a boy.
As her daughter is 19, the mother is contemplating giving her an ultimatum, but fears that her lovesick child may decide to go and live with her bad boy, rather than cleaning up her act.
Because of the quandary she finds herself in, the mother thought she should ask others why they think her daughter is being so foolish. Hence this week’s question: Why are some of Barbados’ most beautiful young women, including well educated women who have attended some of our best secondary and tertiary institutions, increasingly being attracted to known gang members?
Unfortunately, what this mother is going through is a phenomenon seen globally. It seems that for some inexplicable reason intelligent females, both young and not so young, are attracted to men with questionable characters.
According to some experts, the attraction most females have for bad boys is the thrill of living on the edge with an unpredictable character.
It is a challenge and keeps their adrenalin pumping.
The tendency could also be due to a secret fear by the female involved of getting too close emotionally with such an individual, even though they may be intimate with the person.
That is, they can be close to their bad boy, enjoy him and have various adventures with him without ever letting him get too close emotionally because they know deep down he is no good for them.
Of course, there are those who are genuinely caught up with the person and go through a roller coaster of pleasure and pain, drama and conflict.
For when the guy is bad, he is simply abusive, and when he’s good, he rocks their world.
From where we sit, we think it may be a self-esteem issue. Certainly, women who feel good about themselves and set high standards, including their romantic relationships, would not want to be involved with a man of questionable character who cannot necessarily be trusted.
We may be wrong, but a woman who goes out with a man she knows has problems with authority and discipline, and possibly has mistreated other women, cannot be thinking logically, or does not regard herself in the way she should. For if you value who you are, you treat yourself with high regard and require others to do the same.
The following are the edited versions of some of the responses:
• “They are dumb. Education doesn’t mean common sense and obviously the good looks got to their heads. So a hard-working, honest man cannot provide for all their needs, so they look to the gangsters to provide such.”
• “It is a known fact that women like bad boys! Yes, there are some real bad boys, but in this day and age most of us have a choice. So if we choose to relate to a bad boy, we also have to know that every action has a consequence.”
• “It’s the bad boy syndrome. Attraction of opposites. Thrills and excitement.”
• “Love is classless, and some women crave excitement and even danger.”
• “They’ve wasted their education and good looks all because of a fantasy that gang members are somewhat powerful and rich. They’re probably watching way too many gangster movies.”
• “It’s like selling your soul to the devil. When they get involved with the bad boys there is no escape. Not even the threat of jail can scare away these fellows. It’s licks and more licks. These guys, if they steal, let’s say, a thousand dollars, they will give these ladies eight hundred. And if they are caught and are jailed, these poor ladies can’t get on with their lives because when these guys are released whoever these ladies are seeing is in trouble, it’s like ‘I tek jail fuh you. Whoever yuh talking to gotta go’. But it makes no sense telling these ladies this; let them find out for themselves.”
