Dear Christine,
I HAVE A PROBLEM which I need help with as soon as possible. I have seen the advice you’ve given a lot of people and I hope you can help me solve my problem.
I am in love with a man who has three children with another woman. The two have been in a relationship for 18 years.
Christine, this man practically lives at my home, since he sleeps there, but he visits his children’s mother and they go to church together.
I have asked him more than once if he loves me. He told me yes.
When I further questioned him about the two of us, he said he wanted to wait a while and be sure.
Christine when I asked him why he left the children’s mother, he said he had good reason to do so, but would not say why.
What I do not understand is why he is always at her beck and call. She calls at my home for him and sometimes he calls her.
He hardly gives me any money – maybe $40 or so every now and then. That’s it. I have to buy what I want for myself; yet he eats at my house all the time.
Christine, I do not cheat or lie to him and I would never do so.
He told me one day that if I would go to church, serve God and lead a good and proper life, I could have him all for myself.
I love this man, Christine, but he is hurting me. Many days I cry my heart out and pray that God would make a way for me.
I am not asking him not to support his children or even to stop talking to their mother, but I do not want him to be dishonest with me.
Right now I do not believe that he is, and I think I deserve to be treated better than the way he is treating me.
He is always after me for sex and there was a time when I felt great making love to him.
Now, I do not feel anything for him sexually, even though I still love him.
I have asked him more than once to leave me alone, but I actually asked him to return when he did.
Christine, I am finding it hard to let go of this man, but I do not want to be hurt any more.
What advice would you give?
– SJ
Dear SJ,
I am so sorry to hear about how unhappy you are in this relationship.
One thing is sure, it is hard to compete with or break the bond this man has with his children’s mother. Twenty years is a long time and having three children with this woman makes the bond even greater.
I get the impression that you entered this relationship fully aware of his commitment to his children and their mother, but you probably underestimated the level of this commitment.
I do not believe this man truly loves you, and I think he is taking you for granted.
How can $40 “every now and then” support you and feed him at the same time? Is this how a person takes care of an individual whom they sleep with every night and say they love?
You have to overcome your need for him, as I see nothing in this relationship for you. You are wasting your time and energy and you are torturing yourself.
His suggestion that you go to church is a good one, but do not go to church to win his love, or for the prize of himself that he is offering.
In fact, he’s no prize catch at all. You must have realized that already!
Go to church with the intention of giving God a chance to work things out in your life and, just as you gave this man your all, do the same thing with God.
In addition, this time when you ask him to go, don’t go looking for him or ask him to return.
Say goodbye for good! You deserve much better.
– CHRISTINE
