THIS ONE is for my good friend the Market Vendor and it has to do with something called exotic massages.
Market, you would remember when I used to work as an editor at the Nation one of the many things I had to do was to read the newspaper from front to back to make sure that no serious mistakes, no potentially libellous statements and so on slipped past the vigilant eyes of the proofreading and editing chain.
The problem now is that reading the paper from the first word on the front page to the last on the back page has stuck with me as a habit and 21 years since I stopped working at the Nation, I still find myself doing so every day.
Whereas people like you only read the headlines, the court pages, Dear Christine, the comics and some sports pages to see whom and how Manchester United, Liverpool or Chelsea beat, I read everything word for word, including the classified ads.
I know you also read the classified pages but only the section dealing with real estate because I hear you don’t spend a cent of what you sell in the market on anything other than house and land.
Anyway, it was from reading the classifieds so intensely that I came across some little ads offering these things called exotic massages for both men and women and I guess anything in between as well.
Now I am very familiar with and have had many a regular, old-time massage in my time.
I don’t have to tell you that when you sleep badly and get up in the morning with a stiff neck, the best way to get rid of that stiffness is with a massage. The same thing goes for when you go to the gym exercising, on the road walking and jogging or riding a few miles and muscles in your leg, calf, back, arm or abdominals seize up and become painfully stiff from being overworked. The place for you is on a massage table where the masseuse uses his or her hands expertly to rid you of that stiffness.
Market, my stupidity about the exotic massages I see advertised almost every day in the papers has to do with the fact that people tell me they work in the opposite way and that you don’t get them in order to get rid of stiffness, but the reverse. Maybe you can enlighten me about that and if it is true that women who give them are so expert that they can put new life into prematurely or otherwise limp, sagging and dead muscles like yours.
I particularly liked one ad I saw last week that read: “February special featuring Sky and Faith in the Double Whammy treatment.” Wuh lay, wuh loss!
And: “Tired, stressed or simply need pampering? Our beautiful ladies will relieve your stress . . . .”
So, Market, based on your experience with these things, do you think it would do any good for me to try an exotic massage or two?
Oh, by the way, this is not to do with massages but there was another classified ad last week that’s right up your alley. It read, “Increase penis size instantly. Penis exercise pumps. 10 minutes.”
What is that? Don’t ask me ’cause I didn’t see, and I don’t know.
• Al Gilkes heads a public relations firm. Email [email protected]
