PEOPLE OFTEN SAY that when you start wrong you end wrong. While I believe there is great truth in that, there are times when you do things that are wrong, but for what may appear to you to be the right reasons. So if the intent is good, are your actions so wrong?
This is a question that I have been struggling with for the last four years, and now that I have finally made peace with myself, I want to share it so other men faced with a similar set of circumstances would have another opinion to consider.
For you to fully understand where I’m coming from, you need to know something about me. I am married and have been for several years to a wonderful woman, whom I love and I admire.
We have built a nice house and have a good home life. By every standard we are comfortable and happy. Our children are smart and doing well at school. They have no behavioural problems and are very respectful.
My job is very satisfying and pays well. Even with the tight economy I can’t complain. From my earnings I can cover the mortgage, all the bills and still manage to save something.
Now to my situation.
Through my job I met a younger woman who reminded me a lot of my wife. I liked her instantly and my fondness for her grew as I got to know her better.
Initially, I did not think of her in a sexual way. To me she was just a friend.
In due course we spent hours talking about a host of things.
I realized that despite having an outgoing, happy personality and being good at her job, she was actually a very lonely person longing to be loved by a man who would appreciate her strengths rather than be intimidated by them.
When I celebrated my birthday about seven months after we became friends, she gave me a hug and peck on the lips for the first time. She touched something in me that I had not felt in years and I wanted more.
Now, in all the years I was married I had never looked at or lusted after another woman.
I was not, and still am not, that type of person.
Anyway, after that I did nothing that would change our relationship. Neither did she. However, around Christmas I dropped her home as we were working late and her car was in the garage to get fixed.
I had never gone to her home before. When we said good night to each other, she looked at me, thanked me for being her friend, and then we kissed properly.
We never spoke of that kiss and everything went normally until Valentine’s Day two months later.
I bought her a gift as she was scheduled to work at my company that day. She never showed up. I called her twice and left messages but she never returned the call.
The following morning I went straight to her house before going to work. I rang the doorbell but got no reply. Then I shouted for her and she shouted back that she was coming. She came to the door with only a towel around her saying she was in the shower. She invited me in.
She told me she did get the messages but did not want to speak to me as she would have been emotional. Then she looked at me, and I at her, and I knew she was feeling for me what I was feeling for her.
And as I walked towards her to embrace her, she unwrapped the towel and let it drop. She was more beautiful than I had imagined.
We spent nearly four hours together that morning and afterwards I felt like a different man. I had never made love like that before – it was passionate but tender, vigorous yet intimate.
I thoroughly enjoyed her and wanted more.
I didn’t have to wait for long. That week we spent another morning together. The following week we spent two mornings and an evening too. And each time we were together it was better than the time before.
How did this impact on my marriage? It didn’t.
My wife and I, as a mature couple with busy schedules and teenaged children, generally had sex once or twice a month, at most. Sometimes three months would pass and we would not be intimate.
So being active with this younger woman would not have stopped me from performing my marital duties or raised any suspicions.
In any case, after I started with this woman my sexual feelings for my wife changed and in eight months we had sex only three times. I must stress that my appreciation for my wife did not diminish in any way – just my interest in being intimate. Â
Anyway, my affair went on with intensity for about eight months before my younger friend called it quits. Her reasons? She wanted me all to herself, and as I was not going to leave my wife, she felt we should stop fooling each other.
Moving from interacting with a witty, fun-loving person who had the best body and gave me the most fantastic sex I ever experienced to having no communication at all nearly sent me bonkers.
What made it worse was that she called it quits and the following day left the island supposedly for two weeks’ holiday but never came back. She actually went to join her family overseas. She had it all planned and never once let on about her intentions.
I was left to deal with my emotions alone, and I missed her more than I ever missed anyone before. Worse than that, I could not betray myself and talk about how I was feeling; so I was hurting badly and feeling terribly lonely.
She did call me about three months afterwards to say that she loved me but loves herself more.
She had to leave me as she could no longer bear to be without me.
It was all or nothing for her and she needed me to understand that.
It took me about four years to realize that I loved the idea of what she did to me and how she made me feel. But I did not love her in the same way that I loved my wife.
So I would tell any man that before he does something stupid like treat his wife badly because he is getting it good from a young woman he should recognize the reason for his involvement. Lust and sex are powerful urges, but they cannot beat the unpretentious, trusting love of a wife who was with you through thick and thin, and is forever committed to you, as you should be to her.
