When last did you offer a no-excuses, no-strings attached, unadulterated apology (“regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure”, says the Concise Oxford Dictionary)? “Mea culpa.” “I did/said the wrong thing.” “I messed up.”
’Cause, unless you are God, you does be wrong lots o’ times. Like me.
The MIDWEEK NATION of March 7 carried on one of its pages the headline Jalon Gets Just Deserts. And you woulda never think that Barbados had so many language experts. They went on the housetop (well, all right, they went on Facebook with a mini flood of postings), almost all (I think there was one that did not join the lynch mob) mekking sport at, insulting, belittling, impugning, vituperating the people at the newspaper for getting it wrong.
That did not include you, of course. ’Cause you knew from schooldays that “getting just deserts” was an idiom that meant getting what one deserved and never had anything to do with the sweet, tempting, “a minute on the lips . . .”, obesity-inducing (shut up, Sherwyn) treat many often take after a meal – dessert. The lynchers were wrong.
Now, fallibility should be nothing strange to human beings. It comes with the mould, I think. So I don’t have a problem with people thinking that “just deserts” was wrong. I have a bit of a problem with their failure to check – which was such a simple thing to do.
But two other things bothered me far more – (1) their rabid, bloodthirsty attack on those they thought were in the wrong, and (2) their failure to apologize.
I find that people are so quick to nail others and put them down – and often their harsh judgements are guesswork. What is the benefit in that? One-upmanship? A craving for a sense of superiority? You so needy?
Have we human beings forgotten ourselves? How is it so easy to forget our own failings? What if our failings could all be brought to light? It wouldn’t be pretty.
Yet, it is not uncommon to discover that a harshly judgemental person has committed a wrong or wrongs that would have been worth contemplating suicide over. They themselves have had a lot to apologize for.
Not a popular thing. Most people just can’t seem to get themselves up to the manliness or womanliness needed to admit wrong. As a matter of fact, even in relatively tame situations, people tend to choose approaches that in fact blur or minimize or outright obliterate their responsibility.
Someone does you wrong and when confronted, he says: “I did not intend to do [such and such]”. The intention excuse is apparently seen as covering a multitude of sins. But how is this a confession, a taking of responsibility, an owning up? Very often, intention does not particularly matter – maybe we were inattentive, exercised bad judgement, were thoughtless, hasty, careless, rash, misguided, irresponsible or inexcusably ignorant – and we should say so.
Sometimes the offender says something like this: “If I have [hurt, embarrassed and so on] you, . . . I am sorry.” What is that? So if my feelings are not hurt, you are not sorry? If you are apologizing, you are saying that you were wrong.
So even if the person din feel nuh way but according to the best standards of the society the deed was wrong, don’t go talking ’bout “If I . . . .”
Another apology-avoiding strategy that people use is to try to sneak back onto your good side. They become ingratiating, overly friendly, too sweet, do nice things for you. All the while never owning up. That breeds suspicion and unease.
Or they accuse the offended of being too sensitive. If you, in fact, misspoke, what on earth does that have to do with the sensitivity of someone else? Apologize.
When you are wrong, own up. And much more so if you have injured somebody (their feelings, their body, their reputation, their prospects). Apologize.
Of course, there are times when you have done nothing wrong, yet someone is persistently insistent that you failed. Somewhere along the line, worn out, beaten down, not a few people admit wrong when they did none. Perhaps the best you should do in those circumstances is to commiserate (express sympathy) with the offended – which is quite different from offering an apology.
Just a little friendly advice. And to relieve what might have been my unrelenting seriousness in this matter, let me end with some punning (maybe a little annoying) levity: When in wrong, do as the wrong’uns (should) do – apologize.
