It’s a phenomenon that seems to be growing in popularity — couples calling it quits, after 20, 30 or 40 years of marriage.
Before, these long-standing relationships were the standard bearers that younger couples aspired to. When couples had reached those double digit milestones it was assumed that those couples would live out the full meaning of their vows, presumably the ‘til death do us part’ section. But that doesn’t hold true as we have seen with couples like Al and Tipper Gore who split up after 50 years.
So what has changed to spark this sudden exodus among some long-standing couples?
Some experts believe that the trend is due to people living longer and the growing acceptability of divorce. But there’s a train of thought that says if you’ve stuck together for over two decades, why not stay in for the long haul?
“I divorced from my husband after 42 years of marriage. We agreed about this. We felt that we had another 20 to 30 or more years of healthy life. We cared about each other and liked each other enough to allow a new life for each of us,” one woman wrote.
“We did not use attorneys. We have remained friends. It has been an interesting journey for me. But, from the first day I was happy that we made what for us was a very brave decision to separate and divorce. It should not be taken lightly, nor done in anger, but some people really do benefit from divorce even if it reduces their lifestyle. As we age our values change and having the most money or the largest house may no longer be the most enjoyable choice.”
But despite racking up years and memories together, the truth is that maybe as a couple they’ve overlooked problems, or stopped trying to work things out only to let indifference and resentment fester. One or both partners may feel they would like salvage the years they have left in happier states.
“My husband and I divorced after 27 years of doing the best we could do. While I felt relief, there was also much grief and sadness,” one woman said. “My adult children understood the necessity for the divorce and my son expressed his feelings this way: ‘It’s kind of like having to put our old, sick dog to sleep. You know it needs to happen, but it’s still sad when it does’.”
Some couples stay in it for the sake of the children and when the children have grown up and are pursuing their own lives, the couple realize they have nothing in common or nothing to talk about outside of their children. Then the reality hits that they have to deal with this other person.
Haynesley Griffith, senior counsellor for Family Heartbeat Ministries, says that so often couples pour so much into their children and forget about their partners. So that when the children are gone, your husband or wife seems like a virtual stranger.
Griffith says it’s important for couples to maintain those sparks and to keep intimacy alive in relationships, because as time passes it’s easy for couple to take each other for granted.
Another issue that becomes problematic in relationships is abusive behaviour that is tolerated by either spouse in the hopes that things will change or the spouse will miraculously abort their behaviour. But what often happens is that the years of compounded and chronic abuse become too much so that life without the other partner seems like a welcome relief, despite the challenges.
“As I contemplate divorce from my husband of 39 years because of his repeated infidelities, I am faced with the reality that after divorce his pool of available dates will be women 30 years old and older, while mine will be octogenarians,” one woman said.
“I stay with him even though I no longer love, trust, or respect him because I enjoy being part of a couple and included in couple activities. Where I live, an older divorced woman is dropped like a hot potato, while an older divorced man is an eligible bachelor.”
A divorce attorney said couples should realize that a divorce is like death, it’s a very difficult thing to go through and people need to know this.
One man said: “I’ve been married for 23 years, and I have absolutely no intention of ever divorcing my wife! That disclaimer made, I honestly think it usually has more to do with children’s ages than anything else.
“Once kids reach a certain age, parents realize that their kids just don’t ‘need’ them on a practical level as much as they used to. Therefore, the married people both, for the first time in years, might begin to ask for the first time whether or not being in the marriage is something they really want to continue to do. For many people of this age, they realize that there are options that are more attractive to them than they had previously allowed themselves to realize.
“Personally, I think it’s sad when this happens.”
