HOW DO I GO ABOUT starting my own country? Why is “Peggy” the nickname for “Margaret”? What’s the difference between a boat and a ship? If you shove a potato in a car’s tailpipe, will the car explode?
How do they get the sperm used in artificial insemination of animals?
These are all questions that were asked of the newspaper column The Straight Dope, written by Cecil Adams, which has been running since 1973 and is now carried by about 30 newspapers in the United States and Canada. The Straight Dope takes all questions in its stride including, “What came first, Dick or ‘dick’?”
According to Adams and his crew, the name came first.
You, dear reader, might be wondering why I have gone into this “dick” business at such great length.
It was because of Dick Whittington, the poor boy who became Lord Mayor of London.
For the last few weeks I have been driving around Port of Spain, the capital city of Trinidad and Tobago, and when I come to a particular street where the traffic is almost gridlocked on some mornings there is the same city council gang busy attacking a short yardage of pavement outside a cemetery.
There are large metal barrels linked by (significantly) crime scene tape. Many motorists wonder why plastic drums are not being used instead and why the pavement repair seems to be a never-ending story. Some even link it with a “Park and Ride System” that the mayor plans to introduce from next month in that particular area. As one of my friends commented: “It is obvious we are being taken for a ride.”
One good thing about this mayor is that he is not a “Dick” – he is a “Louis”. But then other mayors with last names that are not connected in any way with Richard or its derivatives have done some things that make you wonder if there was some kind of hanky-panky with their birth certificates.
David Dinkins, former mayor of New York, said: “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.” Washington DC mayor Marion Barry insisted: “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
When confronted about his nocturnal activities, Barry explained: “First, it was not a strip bar; it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.” Clearly he, like some other mayors, doesn’t give a hoot.
This is still the first term of the mayor of Port of Spain and, like the priest in this story, may not be totally aware of the nuances of this particular parish.
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing to affairs. He warned: “If one more person confesses to extramarital liaisons, I’ll quit!” Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word “fallen”. From then on, anyone who had an affair said they had “fallen”. This satisfied everyone and things were fine for years until the old priest passed away.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor and expressed his concern, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said: “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!” I doubt that the expectations were so high that Port of Spain’s mayor has fallen in anyone’s esteem, but my friends are not quite sure and one even sent me this story.
A pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat, he should call the sanitation department, which said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
The pastor knew that the mayor had a bad temper and was hard to deal with but called him anyway.
The mayor shouted: “Why did you call me? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?” The pastor replied: “Yes, mayor, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
Tony Deyal was last seen quoting Marion Barry and wondering when the Port of Spain mayor would echo Barry’s, “I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.”
