DE VENDOR IS A VIRGIN MAN. I admire and love Virgin girls, always pretty in red, always looking sharp and always different from de rest.
Virgin is de only way fuh de Vendor to travel to Britain. Dem does do what no other airline does do. When others want to charge fuh dis and dat, Virgin does be adding benefits and frills and when de Vendor get an upgrade recently to upper class, well, looka trouble now: how I gine go back in de cabin in future?
While de rest want to charge fuh toilet paper and water, Virgin piling on de benefits.
But I soon had to come off cloud nine ’cause de next leg was pun EasyJet and dat is a no-frills airline, where iffing yuh want to board early, yuh got to pay extra.
Travelling does open yuh eyes, and sometimes yuh does really appreciate home and de benefits yuh got when yuh go overseas. Tek, fuh example, bathrooms. I arrive in Birmingham and ah want to use de bathroom fuh a little wee. Imagine I had was to fork out 30p to tek a pee. Over a dollar in we currency just to tek a wee wee.
Madrid. An amazing city. De people, de museums, de culture, de food. De place nice but de bathroom real small. Yuh could only stand up or sit down in it! De Spanish architecture amazing, though. Ah get to see Real Madrid stadium and visit de Prado museum.
Growing up yuh did always hear ’bout Venice, and most of what dey say is true. It also real expensive and iffing yuh don’t know how to cut and contrive yuh would be brek before yuh know it. Bread and pasta, de water taxis, de glass factories, de churches, de narrow alleyways – de place different.
But I never want to see another bathroom in Venice. Picture dis: de shower stall is exactly de size of four 12-inch tiles from Jeffrey Hoyte, and de sliding glass doors open to ’bout 18 inches max. So we had a mathematical problem: how does 42 inches go into 18? Sideways while sucking in yuh stomach – de only way!
I soon discovered that I should bathe before I eat as 42 soon became 45 inches. Standing upright in de shower, it was a prison bath. Don’t let de soap drop cause yuh cannot bend over to pick it up. Picking up de soap required exiting de shower, sideways again, pickup said soap and reentering.
And then there was London Euston train station. Ah wanted to use de bathroom and asked de waiter where de bathroom is. Maybe it was de accent, but at first de waiter didn’t understand what I said. Finally, he point me in de right direction, but not before a British lady imposed sheself into my conversation. Hear she in she proper British accent: “It is not a bathroom.
There are no baths there – it is called a toilet.”
But de Vendor was ready fuh she. “Thank you, ma’am, but actually I was not speaking to you.
By the way, where I come from we does call it bathroom, but you wouldn’t know much ’bout that anyway, ’cause wunnah only just get them recently.” She left in a hurry.
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?