Saturday, April 20, 2024

The diet of all diets for de Vendor

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If you name a diet, de Vendor went pun it. I tried every diet known to mankind; some did awful and some truly disgusting, like de cabbage soup diet. I will never again drink cabbage soup.
I tried fasting, purging, all-meat diets, all-salad diet, juice-only, no-carbs diet, all-fruit, you name it and my poor body went through them all.
De latest was de HGC diet administered by Laurens Maas and dat tek 32 pounds off, fuh which I gine always be grateful to Dr Maas. I tried and still working at de Henry Fraser method – nuff exercise, weights and gym work, and eating healthy. Dat too was and remains helpful.
When yuh wukking wid Professor Fraser yuh can’t deviate, de man could see you from half mile away and know dat yuh put on two ounces and when he look at yuh wid dat intense stare, yuh can’t even lie and tell he dat de clothes shrink in de dryer; de prof know otherwise.
But tek it from me, people, don’t worry wid Fit Fuh Like, Atkins, South Beach nor none of de TV diets. De absolute No.1 diet in de world is de Dengue Diet.
De Dengue Diet does start wid fever, wid every joint known to mankind hurting – yuh back, de back of yuh eyeballs does feel like dem gine fallout, yuh head hurting, even wha a Guyanese friend call he “foot bottom” does hurt.
Cold sweats nightly does lead to yuh shivering all over. One night I swear I was standing naked at de North Pole; no amount of blankets can keep yuh warm, even yuh testicles does hurt.
Food don’t pass yuh lips, everything taste bad, bitter like somebody trying to poisin yuh. De only thing keepin yuh alive is li’l water and even to pass yuh hand through yuh hair hurting. And dat is week one.
By de end of week two, assuming yuh still living or yuh not pun a drip in de QEH wid yuh platelets dropping dangerously low, yuh might begin a small regimen of clear soup. By now all yuh pants falling off, yuh face gaunt, every muscle hurting still,a rash start up over some part of yuh body and yuh washing done wid Alcolado and Limacol.
Dis Dengue Diet dread! Yuh age ’bout 20 years in just two weeks but if, and ah say if, yuh survive, de road to full physical recovery gine tek awhile. Prepare fuh some medical bills and plenty prescriptions, too, but wid a li’l luck by week three yuh should be returning to de human race again.
De taste of food gine begin to come back, getting back to de gym and following de Professor Fraser approach gradually will be part of de new routine and when yuh start to try on de clothes, most of yuh pants gine fall off and yuh shirts gine look like dem hanging pun a clothes hanger. Everything gine be fitting loose, people will pass yuh by and say: “Market, yuh fall away”.
Yes, chile, I fall away and ah nearly dead but ah lose ’bout 15 pounds thanks to de Dengue Diet. It is not a diet that ah would recommend but iffing like de Vendor yuh get it and yuh survive, de benefits gine be seen pun de scale.
Dat is one diet dis Vendor want to avoid at all costs in de future. Next time, ah might not be so lucky!
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day yuh hear?

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