I HAD an on-and-off relationship with my ex-boyfriend – I will call him “D”. We started dating from February 2012. We had our similarities and differences like everyone else.
I knew D since our early years in secondary school. When I first saw him I loved him. I thought he was very handsome. I saw that I had a lot of competition because he seemed quiet and cool, and I knew that some girls liked him for that reason.
So there I was, loving D from afar off. However, I discovered that he knew a friend of mine from a while back.
I heard that having discovered that I liked him, he mocked me. My friend told me he said a lot of mean stuff, especially concerning sex. I hated him from then.
A few years afterwards, my friends told me that D had changed. I refused to believe that until I saw his apology to me on MSN. He was so thorough and sincere that it almost made me cry.
I was hesitant; I didn’t know if he was playing games. Nevertheless, I gave him a chance.
We started dating. For me, it was difficult to relax around him because I had never experienced dating before. He realized it as well and told me that if ever I felt uncomfortable around him or if he did anything unseemly I had to always let him know.
I struggled with timidity for a long time and didn’t even realize how serious it was. It caused the relationship to go downhill. All because of me. What I never told anyone was that I was often fondled by my godfather. Since then I began to realize that I had kept silent when I should have spoken out about many things.
However, I’m not using this as an excuse. I do forgive my godfather but I see the scars that caused the relationship to go downhill.
It was hard for me to express myself around D. It was hard for me to process how much he loved me.
I struggled with this insecurity for a while. I kept thinking back about the guy of the past. I guess that contributed to why I had my doubts.
He used to tell me that only I had his heart but I used to sarcastically respond by saying, “Not if you give it to someone else” or he would say “I love you” but I would respond by saying, “That’s only for now”. I used to even tell myself to stop being sarcastic and accept the compliments.
I truly regret not being as honest as I should have been in the relationship.
I regret speaking carelessly when I should have been considerate to D’s feelings.
Were it not for my petty problems, we wouldn’t have gone through so much drama. Back then D said that I should talk to him but I thought that if I did he would’ve said I was being irrational. I thought that D would’ve left me for a more open-minded person with fewer problems. When D held me I should have held him closer and tighter. When D kissed me I should have been more passionate.
I feel sad hearing certain love songs that remind me of him, especially Back Down Memory Lane, by Minnie Ripperton. D, I’m sorry for being such a pain and I know this probably won’t change anything; I’m so sorry for hurting you.
There’s only so much a person can take until they blow.
And now, this is my advice to everyone: Be honest, be 100 per cent committed, be considerate of your lover’s feelings and weak spots. Don’t judge him or her based on past relationships. People are different. Cut off fear.
