Wednesday, April 17, 2024

DEAR CHRISTINE: Husband sleeping with my daughter


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Dear Christine,
I am one of those people who always read your column but never thought that someday I’d be the writer of one of the very letters I read each week.
My heart is hurting as I write to you and I am in tears. In fact, I have been in tears for the past two weeks and decided to seek solace by writing this letter to you.
I am not eating well and my sleep cycle has changed tremendously since I recently found out that my 55-year-old second husband is carrying on an affair with my 27-year-old daughter from my first marriage.
In other words, he is in a relationship with his stepdaughter.
I am in a state of shock as I had no idea whatsoever that the two people I care about betrayed and deceived me.
He has told me that he wants to be with her and as you can imagine, the relationship between mother and daughter has come to a halt.
What hurts even more, Christine, is that I found out about the affair on our anniversary night, while I was sick and unable to do much for myself.
The whole family is devastated and with Christmas just around the corner, the whole idea of celebrating the season is far from our thoughts.
Since the discovery, my husband has left home and refuses to talk to me because of the way I discovered his betrayal. Right now, I do not know what to do.
Is there any advice you can offer to lessen the pain?
– Hurting Inside
Dear Hurting Inside,
This is perhaps one of the most heartbreaking letters I have read for a long time – moreso because of the betrayal and deception involved.
It is a moral transgression, which makes me wonder if your husband or daughter are not suffering from some undiagnosed mental illness. Yet, this is not the first time a scenario like this has been played out.
There is no reason, therefore, to believe that you’ve not been dealt the worst blow ever.
My first question to you would be, what was the relationship like between you and your daughter prior to your second marriage? I honestly believe that by truthfully answering that question, you’ll be able to find some answers which I cannot give.
Has there ever been “bad blood” between you two, for example, or was she a rebellious or wayward child?
Also, since you did not state how long you’ve been married, it is difficult to even attempt to question whether this relationship was going on before you and your husband walked down the aisle?
My other question would be, how long did you date your husband before marriage and how well did you get to know him?
The answers to these questions would  help you to better understand how you got to the stage you’re at.
This much I will say: you will find solace working through your situation with someone who will listen without judging, and who will give you the moral and emotional support you currently need. Perhaps a psychologist could prove helpful.
I want to believe that your daughter and husband would see the error of their ways, ask for your forgiveness and that things between you three will be mended.
However, that may just be a pipe dream. Yet, even if that were to happen, the damage which has been done will make it virtually impossible for you to trust either of them again.
You may be the one who will have to forgive them [for your own sake] and move on with your life.
It will be hard, but believe me, you can do it.


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