Dear Christine,
I am 40 years old, the mother of four children and my husband and I have been married for 15 years. I am also an only child whose father passed away five years ago.
Since his passing, my mother who is 62 years old, and still works, has been insisting that she “must” come and live with me and my husband. He has made it crystal clear that she will not be welcome.
My mother has caused me, my husband, the children and other relatives lots of heartache over the span of her lifetime. She is also verbally abusive. Her presence in our home would not be positive for our children because she is critical, demanding and impossible to please. I talk to her daily, and every day she tells me how “mean” I am because I won’t allow her to come and live with us.
Christine, I am a busy working mother and I am also studying. I would not be where I am without the love and support of my husband and three children. I cannot ask them to bear the burden of my mother, but her constant nagging is making me physically ill. What do I do?
– D.B.
Dear D.B.,
The Good Book says that you leave [your parents] and you cleave to your spouse. You’re doing the right thing. You’ve given me reason to believe that it would not be in the family’s best interest to have your mother living with you, and I agree with you 100 per cent.
If she was physically challenged or ill, I could understand the need to move in, but even then, such a problem could be fixed by providing her with a care-giver or placing her in the relevant nursing home.
As it is, your mother is yet “young” and able to care for herself. Therefore, do not allow her to put you on any guilt trip, as she appears to be a master of guilt and manipulation.
Also, if the phone calls are annoying you – and while you may not wish to stop calling her every day as is your custom – make it a point to control the conversation. Give her a quick call, find out how she’s doing and that’s that. Don’t give her time to put you on another guilt trip or to make you physically ill.
– CHRISTINE