A Trini living in New york charged with mashing up a sista couch explain to de judge that dem was liming and dat is how de whole thing unfold.
Life, observing it, does give me all de ammunition I need fuh humour.
One morning I went to assist a tenant at de Welfare Department, dressed smartly in a pair of white Ralph Lauren shorts from Burlington Coat Factory fuh US$17 and a nice solid shirt from Polo outlet in SawGrass (Bajans call it “sour grass”) and a brand new pair of matching Crocs, hair jelled, clean-shaven and lather rinse in Issey Miyake. I was ready to meet anybody from Freundel to Owen, except that de guard advise me that I could not enter because I was not dressed appropriately! And a very nice and professional lady also came out to apologise, but she don’t make de rules.
It was not de first time I encountered these bizarre rules in Government offices, yet I could see a fella come out of de same office wid he pants down by he butt crack and I could read clearly Hanes on de underwear, but he wearing long pants!
I check my legs. Nuh currants nor raisins. I smell good. What is de problem? I pointed out to de custodian that there were ladies wearing skirts and they were exposed from the knees down and from the shoulders to hands as was I, and I don’t have bicycle spokes fuh legs, so what was the issue? I did go back home and put on the required uniform, so as to assist the lady in need. After filling out the forms and leaving, I got a message next day saying I needed to “prove ownership” of the property, a property dat was in my family from de day it build. Really? Wunnah can’t check wid Land Tax Department? I was done wid dat; it is fuh wunnah to disprove ownership, not me to prove it.
Form, not substance!
Last week a Trini reading the regional round-up on Starcom Network referred to Barbados as Bubbadus. Tell she if she want to read news, learn to pronounce de name of de country, please; maybe she reading dis column too much.
But back to de Trini in New York. The plaintiff lay out de case and then de sport start. De judge ask Trini to explain what happen. Hear muh girl: “Well, is like dis, Yuh Honour. We was liming de whole night and drinking beers. She photograph me sleeping on the couch. But check it, Your Honour: de arm of de couch was not broken, so ask she why she photograph me sleeping on the couch before the arm was broken. You see, Yuh Honour, she was up to no good!”
Then came de knockout punch: “Yuh Honour, we was all friends liming. We does lime regular but me, not my family, did not break de arm of de couch. How could sleeping and resting my hand on de couch break it, eh? But check she and she family. Dem is big-breed people, Yuh Honour. She is 450 pounds, she daughter is 350 and she husband is 750 pounds!”
Case dismissed! But hear de judge: “I want to hear and learn more about dis thing called liming!” Come to the Caribbean, judge, we will teach you to lime, and maybe mash up a couch or two!
• I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?
