Dear Christine, I was very hurt last week when my 16-year-old daughter allowed me to know that she did not want me to confide in her about my personal problems.
She walked out of the room and screamed: “I just do not want to hear anymore!”
Later, she apologised, but I am still upset.
Ever since her father and I were divorced she has been my closest friend. We’ve shared everything and I thought ours was the perfect mother-daughter relationship.
I’ve been proud of the fact that we’ve been pals, and never had any of the usual mother-daughter quarrels. We go to the cinema and play tennis together.
We even enjoy the same books and food. What is wrong? I’m just annoyed she does not enjoy talking as much as I do.
– H.P.
Dear H.P.,
Have you given thought about your daughter’s feelings or are you just concerned about yours?
Your daughter is 16 years old and you have no right whatsoever to be carrying your concerns and personal problems to her.
To grow and mature, children need to separate themselves from their parents (I know this may be hard for you to accept right now).
This is a healthy, normal phase.
Every child needs to cut the umbilical cord at some point in time, and find an identity that is separate and special.
Parents who confide too intimately in their children are using them in a way that is sure to turn them away from the opposite sex – especially when your “personal problems” relate to relationships with men or their dad.
A child needs to find his or her own way and not have to know a parent’s marital or sexual frustrations. They need to have friends closer to their age, and parents need to have adult friends with whom they can share confidential information.
What you have described is a common problem with single parents. Too much togetherness and dependence upon children is dangerous and unhealthy.
It will smother and limit growth.
Don’t be angry with your child. Realise that she is crying out for release from having to carry your burdens and concerns. Recognise also that she is becoming her own, and needs the space to grow and mature, without being “mother’s bouncing board” when you feel the need to “share” your personal problems and various conflicts of life. Give your daughter the release she needs.
– CHRISTINE