Tuesday, April 16, 2024

LOOKA LEW: Scared of Church


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THEM GOT SOME PEOPLE who real frighten to go in a church, I talking bout real, real frighten.
The moment them hear bout church, them does break out in cold sweats. Why? Cause for them, it does seem like as soon as they walk through the church door, that the pastor does pull out and dust off a special sermon he had keeping for them.
No lie, I heard people say already, that them was in church and felt like the man was preaching bout them.
For instance, if them was doing something wrong, like horning somebody husband or wife, from the moment them take a seat in the church, them does be in time to hear the pastor holler out at top of his voice, “woe unto ye adulterers and fornicators!” and then he does start to preach a real hell fire and brimstone sermon, and them does feel like the pastor and the whole church looking at them. So by the time the service finish, them bathe in sweat and vowing never to return.
It is true, them got people who would go to a funeral, and don’t care how much empty chairs the church got, them staying outside under a tree. Cause them know, that the pastor gine preach a sermon bout giving up the things of the world; the rum, feteing, maliciousing in people business, and getting your soul right in case you had to cock up and dead sudden and end up in hell’s fire, and them kinda sermons does got them frighten.
But I had to explain to a lady that I wasn’t one of them fellas, cause she asked me, if I went to church on Easter, I said no, then she asked me, if I frighten for church that I aint went.
Like I said, I does go church sometimes. Years ago, I used to go to a church that tell me I aint suppose to eat pork, well I did done with that. Not done with the pork, I did done with that church. Cause I tell myself, I aint care how you pickle chicken steppers, souse aint souse unless it got in oink, ham aint ham unless it made from hog, and I don’t care how you bake a chicken, them aint got nothing does eat better than piece o’ bake pork. So I left that church, cause I wasn’t prepared to hide like some of them from the same church and eat my souse.
Plus, I like an action church. I like to hear tambourines beating, and people clapping and dancing, and a preacher with a powerful voice, so don’t invite me to none of them churches, where the people does sit down quiet, like them at the dentist waiting to get a tooth pull.
Cause I does sleep very fast, and snore too, with the occasional dribble. And them got some preachers who so boring, that two minutes into the sermon, the whole church breaking off them neck with sleep. He preaching and behind him half the choir snoring, and the poor organist can’t keep his eyes open neither, cause he bowing and hitting his head on the piano every minute. Sometimes the preacher pause so long in the sermon, that you have to check to make sure that he aint sleeping too.
Then them got some who would invite you to their church, but you can’t invite them to yours, cause them religion say them aint to worship in nobody church besides theirs. Now tell me what’s up with that.
See ya.
Email: madderic@hotmail.com


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