Dear Christine,
I have been living with a man for three years and we have the good fortune of being employed by the same company. He is very talented and considers himself ambitious.
I have noticed over the years, however, that he is not nearly as ambitious as he thinks he is. Twice he has been up for promotion and lost it because of some stupid thing he did. He considered this coincidence, but I don’t. I am beginning to see a pattern of fear.
This does not stop me from loving him but it makes me want to help him overcome this fear of getting ahead. I think it is all related to his family, but he would not talk about that possibility. In fact, he won’t even admit that there might be a problem. He has a close relationship with an older brother who is very successful in another company. I would think this would make any man want to reach the top in our company, but it does not seem to work that way.
By the way, his father died when he was very young. Could this be a factor?
– O.N.
Dear O.N.,
The death of his father could have affected him perhaps in his earlier years, but I doubt that it would cause him not to want to strive for promotion and recognition. Also, his brother’s position obviously does not bother him, so there is no need for him to compete.
There is something called the fear-of-success syndrome and it is quite common, particularly recognisable in the corporate, professional and academic worlds, where some people are content to remain where they are comfortable, without taking on any huge responsibility.
It is also possible that your partner’s older brother may have been kind of a surrogate father to him. If this is the case, there will always be a feeling of great loyalty and support. It would help if your friend could bring this problem out into the open where he could see it for what it is.
Sometimes a little encouragement is needed to help an individual see his or her worth.
In the meanwhile, however, support him, but do not push him where he does not want to go.
– CHRISTINE
