Domestic violence and abuse is a worldwide problem and therefore it would be a monumental task to try to solve this globally. However, I do believe that if every city or state in this same world were to educate its people about this terrible practice, eventually some positive impact would be realized.
Therefore, I will address this cruel and inhumane behaviour in a simple “Bajanic” manner.
Both men and women suffer this type of violence and abuse but because women are far more commonly victimized, I will target the women in this article.
There are many signs that are blatantly visible but women seem not to take heed. They get caught up with “love and all these female emotions” and don’t think of the possible consequences. There seems to be something innate that tells women that marriage is the “end-all”. Their lives cannot be deemed successful unless they are married. Marriage makes them feel complete.
These women focus so much on getting a husband in order to satisfy society that they become blind to reality. And reality, when finally embraced after being ignored for so long, is out of control and becomes deadly.
When your boyfriend or “man” is overly possessive – checking on your every move; calling and asking where you are three and four times a day; checking your phone calls; peeping behind you; wanting to know who you talking to and “where you been” – you really feel that is “love”?
Woman, that is a sign of obsession! Obsession means trouble. That is a bigger red flag than what you would see at the calypso finals when Red Plastic Bag is competing. The man who is that obsessive is Mr Insecurity.
When you marry that man, he believes that he owns you and becomes excessively jealous. Even to talk to your girlfriends is a problem.
And because of all the “big wedding” and “showing off the ring”, when the abuse starts you are too ashamed to let anybody know of your plight, so the abuse escalates and then bam – work out the rest.
Women, the signs that are there before marriage will continue after marriage and possibly get worse, oh my lord. You always think that you can change the man. Change who? Did you make him?
What you should do is check out the man’s family background. Try to establish if there is a history of violence and abuse. Find out about his childhood days. Did he play with the other children? Was he a loner? Did he go to church? Does he believe in God? Did he play organised sports? Did he belong to any organisations? If so, did he hold any positions of responsibility in the organizations? All these questions would help you to have a better understanding of the man’s character.
It is of great importance to establish from early in the relationship if your potential partner has a bad temper. You can ask, in a skilful way, a family member or a friend. That information should be had before you go and fall drunkenly in love.
If your man of interest is too quiet, that could also be a problem. Those men who hardly speak spend most of their time thinking. That is quite a bit of thinking and you should make it your business to stealthily find out some of those thoughts. History has recorded such men to be atypical and mysterious – even dangerous.
Does this man that you are attracted to drink alcohol? Did he ever get drunk? Don’t tell me that you are over 12 years old and don’t know what alcohol does to people. Don’t tell me that you have never seen a drunken man in his element. Sister, abuse of alcohol is a sign.
If you are falling in love with a man who does any kind of drugs, please fall out of love – immediately.
Did your boyfriend ever tell you that if you leave him he will commit suicide? Girl, “ease out from dey” as quickly as possible. Whew! Marriage should never come into your mind.
Tell me, has your fiancé ever forced you to have sex? What! You said yes? Well, lady, that is a serious sign. You need to think through this some more. Disengage.
From what I gather, Bajans like to destroy each other’s clothing. If that ever happens to you, just imagine that the clothes are really a substitute and that should be a sign bigger than any stop sign.
So many more signs and no more space. However, if he treats you like a sex object and not a like a person, or if he humiliates you, or if your opinion causes a quarrel or argument, and he never pays you a compliment or acknowledges your achievements, your relationship must be seen as quite unhealthy.
Take time to know him!
• Mac Fingall is an entertainer and retired secondary schoolteacher.