Dear Christine,
How do you tactfully ask a boyfriend how many women he has had sex with – and get a truthful answer?
– S
Dear S,
Your question is very pointed and this is what I’ll share.
There is no tactful way to pry this information out. If you mean how to get a number and a list of names and some confidences about intimacies with women before you came into the picture, I suggest that you don’t do it. If he wants for you to know anything he’ll tell you on his own free will.
Any prying in a relationship can come between a couple and spoil a time that should have been loving and joyful. I am aware that some men do talk, and by that I mean boast, to their present mates about sex with their ex.
There is no rule about whether this will destroy a relationship or not, but for most couples it is best avoided. If you want him, accept the fact that he had a past and let that past bury itself.
If what you mean is not specifics about his past sex life but important information about whether he has been exposed to a sexually transmitted disease, you are definitely entitled to reassurance on this point. It is common now for partners to give each other reassuring clinical clearances. The couple can visit a doctor together to take tests and receive counselling about avoiding infection.
There is something else you may have in mind – you may feel very strongly that you want a bridegroom who has never shared sex with another woman. This may be a religious consideration. In that case you have to tell him that this is a serious consideration with you and you want the truth from him. Not a list of names, but simply a yes or no. There is no tactful way to ask. You just have to ask – seriously and respectfully.
Between people making a commitment there should be enough frankness and understanding to make a straightforward question and an exchange of reasonable confidences easy. That would be a sign of a good relationship.
– CHRISTINE
