Saturday, April 20, 2024

I CONFESS: Wasting no tears on user


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What is wrong with us? By this I mean us men and women of the human race. 

Once again, I am prompted to write to this column about a couple of the I Confess articles about men behaving badly and treating women like second class citizens – Horned by Sexy Tenant and No Way to Tell H­­e’s Cheating.

I am very incensed by these articles, as I can identify with a good portion of the contents as well as feel empathy for the writers. I am so sick of men (I am very aware that there are women out there who also behave in this manner), but I truly believe that men are predominantly the trendsetters in this behaviour of deception, lies and cheating which must be due to their tiny brains and inability to control their manhood.

I too met my man when he had nothing, as he was unemployed. I gave him ten years of my life, supported him financially, emotionally, and much more, but from day one we lived a lie. Perhaps I should say he lived a lie and I lived in denial because he said and did many things that should have made me take stock. 

The only thing left for him to have done was to write the words “you are not for me, I am only using you” on my forehead, but still I hung in there. From day one this man had another partner who was the leftover from his own relative’s relationship.  I suspected early on in our relationship that something wasn’t right and kept questioning this man about this woman and the inordinate amount of time he spent with her. However, I told myself that no self-respecting man would ever pick up from where his family left off. 

My man always denied the relationship and all he would say was that he had made a promise to this woman, though he admitted that at first he didn’t like her (the assumption then must be that over time his feelings must have changed, compelling him to spend so much of his time with her).

Things came to a head when I was travelling and would be out of the country for six weeks. I could not believe it when I spent the night before going away with my man and he made no attempt to touch me.  However, next morning, he had a bath, spruced himself up and asked me to take him in my car to his brother’s ex-girlfriend’s house, where he stayed for the day and night. 

He called me later that night to let me know that he was not able to “make it” to me as we had previously arranged in order for him to accompany me to the airport and at least for me to get a goodbye hug and kiss, no such thing.

Even with this evidence, I went away, came back and carried on in the relationship – why are some of us women so blind and stupid?

For ten years, I let this man inflict such mental torture on me because I loved him.

We had many a bust-up over what I perceived and believed to be my man’s infidelity; his inability to show me the love I deserved, his inability to even say “I love you”. In the ten years we were together, this man never uttered these words.

He also admitted that when he visited Barbados he slept with someone that he had known for years; that he was still going to his brother’s ex-girlfriend’s house, but this was all in the name of a promise made. Quite what that promise was, to this day I do not know. My question then and now is “what kind of promise could a man make to a woman who was an ex-girlfriend of a relative?”

I showered this man with expensive gifts, flat screen TV, jewellery, footwear, you name it I bought it for him. 

I introduced him to decent aftershaves, decent clothes (not the one pair of worn out and shiny trousers and the few shirts that he had and wore week after week) to go clubbing to rub down other women while I was left at home to watch TV for entertainment. Did he ever reciprocate the generosity? Hell no! I only got gifts if I asked.

This man (he is over 60 years old now) still walks around with condoms and a picture of another woman in his wallet, yet week after week came to my house where I cooked, washed, and ironed his clothes like a dutiful “wife”, even his sheets and shirts which sometimes had lipstick on them were included.

This man heaped humiliation on me like something in fashion. He flirted with one of my girlfriends in front of me (granted she initiated it), but he could not see anything wrong in hugging and kissing her cheek in front of me or with her trying to get hold of his hand while we were dancing.

Like most people, because I was deeply suspicious of my man, I would occasionally check his phone which proved my suspicions over the years to be right.

My man is not of this technological world and can barely use his mobile phone which I gave him. I went to his home, showed him the call history on the phone and lo and behold, there were lots of calls between him and a woman. I asked about the woman and he claimed she was his friend, but wouldn’t elaborate. I called the woman right in front of this man and got answers.

The evidence was clear ­– loads of calls between the two of them during the period that my father was ill and yet only one call to me during that time – and that call had come on the day my father died, which was the day he came to my house. I guess he made the call because I had gone straight from work to visit my dad in hospital and had not prepared a meal for him.

I was devastated to find that a man I had given so much to, done so much for over the last ten years could dare treat me in this way and have such disregard for me and my feelings.

On the day of my father’s funeral, I vowed I would give him an ultimatum – his sex partner or me – needless to say I have not seen this man since that day or spoken to him. 

I haven’t contacted him, but he recently rang my phone to wish me a happy birthday (his forte, as he does this with a lot of people here and in Barbados).  He also turned up at my house with a cousin of his to drop something off a few weeks ago, but as he did not have anything to say, I was merely polite and thanked him for the things and they left, just so!

I am so angry that I cannot bring myself to tell this despicable creature masquerading as a man, when in fact he is nothing but a small boy in a man’s body, to come get the rest of his belongings. 

I am angry because this man had no business treating me this way, as I always gave him the choice to be with his lover and to not come to my house, and yet he returned to me time and time again, knowing that he was still in that age-old relationship. 

I also believe that this man never loved me, but that I was just someone who gave too much.

This man has caused me to doubt myself, to question myself endlessly, to blame myself for his infidelities, to be angry because he is teaching me to hate – which is a path I don’t want to take. I came to my senses and put the blame firmly and squarely where it belonged.


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