Sunday, March 3, 2024

DEAR CHRISTINE: Sharing him with two others

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Dear Christine,

I am 22 and I have been in love for the past two years with a man who is 24.

My problem is that for all the time I have known him, I do not know where I stand with him. I know he is involved with other women. Maybe I am to blame to a certain extent. You see, I have been brought up by very strict parents. Up to this day they treat me as though I am 13.

My father does not like me to go anywhere and he does not like my male friends to call me at home. I know that I can trust myself but it is clear that my father does not trust me.

I have had sex with my present boyfriend. In fact, he has been the first, and that he is good at it. He is very experienced and he uses his common sense before he does things. Please do not assume that because of my relationship with him that that is the reason why I love him so much.

I see him quite often especially during my lunch hour. What do you think I should do? Should I leave him? That is not what I really want to do. Or, do you think I should hang in there with high hopes that he will end up being with me?

This letter is long, but I want you to get a clear understanding so that you can tell me what to do.

He does not treat me badly. If I ask him for something he gives it to me, although I am in a position where I do not have to ask him for much.

He takes me out (not from my house) and we have wonderful times together, but I am worried when I know that his other two girlfriends enjoy him just the same (maybe).

Please tell me what to do.

– B.K.

Dear B.K.,

You appear to have looked at your situation from all sides and that tells me you are an intelligent, level-headed individual.

As far as your parents are concerned, I will tell you to talk to them. You are a young woman of 20 and should not have to be hiding to spend time with someone.

Now, as far as this someone is concerned, if you are absolutely sure he is seeing someone and you are not certain where you stand with him, you need to ask him outright.

This may not be an easy thing to do. I believe he cares for you but that he is not willing at this stage of his life to make any real commitments.

No one can really offer knowledge of what the future holds or what it will bring you. What is happening now could very well grow into a relationship which you would both want to cherish for life, but you must know early and upfront where you stand with him.

Back to your parents. It is a pity they would not ease up and give you the chance of meeting males. I am quite sure when they were your age they had the liberty to do so.

Invariably, when young women are forced into sneaking around, they do so in dark places which become hotbeds for the very thing parents are trying to protect them from – sex.

On the other hand, sex, as splendid as it is, is not enough to cause people to want to share a lifetime together. Regrettably, it is a fairly easy-to-come-by commodity these days and so has lost its strength to build meaningful relationships.

Giving more of this to your boyfriend is no guarantee that he will stop being involved with other young women, but do not blame yourself for his having other friends. Maybe he is not even involved sexually with them him, but you still won’t know where you stand unless you ask him.

Whether you stay or leave is your choice. I will not tell you to do either. It is for you to find ways in which you can nurture the friendship and affection that exists between the two of you, giving it the quality of a relationship that one day you can bring out in the open to family and friends alike, as the one that you have chosen to share.

– CHRISTINE

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