IN THE COMPANY of Jean and Bertram “Bertie” Callender, you have to be prepared to laugh, for you cannot escape being drawn in by the jocular banter that passes between these two.
Fifty-five years of marriage and they still make fun at themselves and their life experiences, the same way they used to do as young students at the Mona Campus of the University of the West Indies. Theirs is a marriage built on the friendship cultivated while they were beating books in those early years.
That they ended up married Bertie says, “The Lord had something to do with it . . . . We were freshmen the same year. We went to Jamaica in October 1956. She was from Antigua and I was from Barbados.” Their common bond was mathematics, a subject they both loved which led them to university in the first place.
Bertie, the more knowledgeable and experienced, having taught maths in Grenada, was the one to whom Jean and a small band of other students looked for guidance and assistance with their studies. He took on the role of tutor for the group, given his wider grasp of the subject. Jean still lets it be known that he was considered the mathematical genius in the group. “He was good at maths and could easily get 100 per cent.”
She acknowledges his influence on her as the teacher she became, saying “I think a lot of my skill in teaching I got from his skill.”
They are now both octogenarians, battling health issues common to many people of advancing age – his is some hearing impairment, hers the discomfort of arthritis. But any physical limitations they may have pale in comparison to the cheerfulness and warmth and vivacity of life the Callenders display.
Sitting close to each other, the animated conversation flows back and forth. They speak almost in unison about an enduring marriage, one filling in any gap in the other’s memory as they tell the story of their life together. They have a lot to tell.
Bertie tells about the things they discovered were common interests early in their meeting. “We really were very good friends” he says, “then we turned out to be both Anglicans. I used to sing bass.” Turning to Jean he asks “Isn’t that true?”
The glint in her eyes is reflected in his as looking at each other, she gives the confirmation he is requesting. Throughout the conversation she at times leans in close to his ear and gently stroking his hand repeats anything she observes he has failed to pick up through his hearing device.
Bertie is clear about what attracted him to this girl from Antigua. “She had a sense of humour, she was sensible, not to mention she was attractive. I realised she was a nice person with a lovely personality.”
Jean confessed she liked him too. “You know, you meet somebody and if I like you, you are going to know I like you” though she did not allow any semblance of a romantic attraction to cloud or sidetrack her from her mission to achieve a university degree. “On campus we would do our work and I was doing my work because I wanted to pass my exams . . . When we were studying we were studying, serious business, no fooling around.”
Seeing each other had to wait until the books were put aside and that only after intense bouts of study.
Theirs was a courtship guided by level-headedness, the two making every effort to be seen to be above board by anyone looking on. For example they both went to New York after completing university studies and stayed at separate homes, only attempting outings at the invitation and in the company of senior family members.
It was while driving to a jazz festival in the company of others that a family member threw out the suggestion of marriage. Jean recalled: “He had brought me a little ring in Jamaica and his aunt said, “Where are you going to get married? Why don’t you get married here?’”
The suggestion had been made before by Bertie himself. He had suggested to Jean they could get married if sweepstake tickets he had bought turned out to be winners. They were not and reminiscing last week with a chuckle Jean reminded Bertie, “You didn’t win and I still married you.”
The simple wedding ceremony took place at Calvary and St Cyprian’s Anglican Church in New York on August 1, 1959. The day of their wedding rehearsal they received the news by cable they had both passed their university exams.
The advice offered by one of their wedding guests has been the mantra by which they have lived from the day they became a couple. Reaching for Jean’s hand before relating that encounter, Bertie said, “An older man greeting us as we were standing at the reception told me ‘Son, I don’t have any money to give you a big present but I want to give you some advice. I have been married for 60 years and I think that it is good for you as a young bridegroom to know you don’t go to sleep vex. You must discuss whatever arguments you have during the day so when you go to bed you forget about it”.
It was advice they both heeded, leading Bertie to say, “We don’t have too many arguments” while Jean in agreement added, “we kind of work it out before we go to bed”. Bertie continued, “I don’t think I can remember one argument that lasted the next day,” to which Jean responded, “No, no.”
While they both worked as teachers in Barbados’ secondary school system, they also devoted time to building a happy home, with the support of friends and family who at the outset embraced the young Antiguan bride Bertie had brought home to Barbados. The couple have two children, Dr Michelle Callender and Roger Callender, and are grandparents and bask in the joy parenthood brought.
Today they still have the “wonderful nucleus of friends” that welcomed the young couple and helped them to settle in during the early years. “I came here to meet all his family, his school friends and everyone from way back and everybody without exception wanted to be part of us,” said Jean.
Their own experience may be taken as an example as Jean offers this advice to young couples: “Don’t rush, get to know each other. It is not just kissing and loving.” In these the twilight years of their marriage, she asserts the one thing that remains strong between them is their love for each other.