Dear Christine,
Before my holiday ends in three weeks and I return to my homeland, I would like some advice from you. Please print my letter as soon as you can.
I am 40 years old and have recently met a young man who is three years younger than I am. I say recently because we met last August while I was on the island for two weeks conducting business. I am a divorcée with two children, aged 17 and 19.
When I met this man last year, he told me he had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years and he wanted to take things easy. He made it clear to me that he really cared about me and that he had no problem with the fact that I was previously married and the mother of two grown boys.
During my visit last year, he took me to his home, where I met his parents and his sister. They were visiting as he lives on his own.
His parents questioned me to the very core. It was as though I was on trial for some crime. When they discovered my marital status, and the fact that I was older than their son and had two grown children, I immediately saw their disapproval of our friendship.
Felt snubbed
In fact, I felt snubbed when they said they did not believe in divorce.
Now that I am back in the island (and have been for the past three weeks), I have heard no mention about seeing his parents or his sister. I asked him if I’ll be able to meet them again, but he shrugged off the idea both times that I asked.
Apart from my divorce, I consider myself a financially independent, professional and decent individual. I like this man but I am not prepared to stick around someone who cannot stand up to his family or who is ashamed of who I am.
While I am not staying at his home, I spend lots of time there during the evenings when he returns from work. I see no reason why he cannot make it possible for me to meet his family and more of his friends.
I’ve met just three of his friends so far.
What are your thoughts?
– C.G.,
Dear C.G.,
It seems too early in this friendship to be laying down rules and regulations concerning family members and friends.
This man told you very early that he wanted to take things slow. Don’t you think that you are jumping ahead a little bit too fast?
If his parents do not approve of you and he is still willing to keep you as someone who is special to him, then I think you should be just happy, for the time being, that you are part of his world.
Allow the friendship to grow without pushing your way into his life, the lives of his family members and the lives of his friends.
Look at the situation from a point of view other than your own. Perhaps his parents are concerned that he was hurt previously and they do not want to see him hurt again. I get the impression that he is their only son and that may bear heavily on how they receive you as a possible “partner” or “close friend” of his.
Frankly speaking, I believe this man is old enough to make his own choices and to decide where he wants the relationship to go from here. All he is asking from you is that you take things slowly. I do not think that that is asking for too much. While you have known him from last August, it has been less than two months that you’ve actually “spent real time together”.
Be patient and relax; there is no need to rush things. The relationship will either work out or it won’t. One thing is sure: you cannot make it happen on your own and if you keep pushing, you might be very successful in pushing him away.
– CHRISTINE
