Being a single parent is twice the work, twice the stress and twice the tears but also twice the hugs, twice the love and twice the pride. – Unknown
SINGLE PARENTING has to be very tough, especially if that parent’s support system is weak or non-existent. Single parenting can result from situations like unplanned or planned pregnancy, divorce, death of a parent or spouse, rape, desertion, adoption and even in some instances, when two parents live together but only one takes on the parenting responsibilities.
The issue continues to be a perennial social worry worldwide. I have heard several expressions from single parents: “This child is driving me crazy”; “I can’t deal with this child”; “I just feel like giving up”; “I feel like a failure“; “I don’t know what else to do with this child”; “This child has a demon”; “I feel like taking something and knocking off the head of this child”. I have also met single parents who said the very opposite to the forgoing remarks of frustration, and spoke of how much they cherished their children and see them as extremely special, despite annoying negative behaviours.
Although God’s ideal from the beginning has been for children to grow up with male and female parents within the context of marriage, as stated in Genesis 2:21-25, single parents should never be viewed as second class citizens. In fact, some single parents, mothers or fathers have been able, with the grace of God and excellent support structures, to raise outstanding men and women of whom the world is justly proud.
In this series on single parenting, I shall take a look at some of the main concerns with which many single parents may be faced and offer some suggestions that can assist in working through those issues.
The realities of single parenting cannot be ignored. In the United States, one of every three homes is managed by a single parent; in the United Kingdom, that number is one in every four, and in the Caribbean an average of about 45 per cent of homes are cared for by single parents. The percentage of women compared to men attending to their children within a single home environment continues to be far higher. However, research is now showing that there is an increase of men taking on single parent responsibility.
For those who have experienced single parenting as teens and young adults, the harsh realities cannot be explained in words. Teenage and young adult single parents may suffer a delay or even unfulfilment of some important dreams and goals. Furthermore, coming up against some very difficult obstacles, including the social and economic barriers for which they were not previously prepared, often proved overwhelming. Since the teens are also struggling with their own adolescent adjustments, creating an environment of warmth and love for the baby’s myriad of needs becomes an uphill task.
More mature single parents may experience some of the same struggles as the teenager, but ongoing loneliness and trying to balance home, work and self-improvement studies frequently create stress.
One crucial area with which some single parents struggle is valuing themselves. The more value and worth you place on yourself in all areas of your life, the more benefits your children may reap as they mature. Self-value has many facets; single parents should consider the following:
• Value yourself emotionally.
Whatever may have caused you to be a single parent, never see yourself as a mistake or less than a person because of your condition. There are times when those feelings may come to your mind to make you think of yourself as less than valuable. Although you cannot stop those thoughts from coming, try not to accept them. Feelings of guilt at times may make it difficult for you to go forward with your life. Try not to get into the habit of blaming yourself and trying to compensate by spoiling your child.
Years ago, a distraught single mum told me she felt less than valuable because guilt feelings were making it difficult for her to advance. She was encouraged over time to change the negative concept she had developed of herself. She did. Today she is an outstanding citizen with a sharply focused child.
• Value yourself socially.
The one thing you cannot change is the fact that you are a single parent. Therefore, surround yourself with positive thinking people who will encourage you to see your life as not having come to a full stop, but instead, progressing to a positive and wonderful future. Get out of the house and join a well-organised single parents’ support group or even start one yourself. In interacting with others you may find out that you have similar issues and may learn how to cope with certain challenges. In general, continue to develop your social life within reason, considering the reality that you have a child or children to whom you have serious responsibilities.
• Value yourself intellectually.
Because you are a single parent, it does not mean that you have lost your ability to use your brain to create great things. I know of single parents who were left alone with the burden of struggling through life with their children. Some of them, with the help of counsellors, painstakingly revised their future goals and devised means and ways of realising those goals. Today they look back with a great sense of accomplishment for themselves as well as their children. Never surrender yourself to be at the mercy of others to be owned by them. Cherish and develop your intellect.
• Value yourself spiritually.
In God’s sight you are of great value. Others may think otherwise. Ignore them. Place your trust in the all-wise, all-knowing, all-understanding God whose love for you is unconditional. Many single parents have told me how He helped them when the going got really tough. It is in Him that you “live and move and exist” (Acts 17:28).
When you value yourself as a single parent, the chances of placing a high premium on your children are very great. You cannot take your precious children further than you yourself have gone.
Next time, I shall look at valuing your pre-teens.
Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email: [email protected]
