Treat your child with love and dignity, but require him to follow your leadership.
– James Dobson
SOME TWO-PARENT FAMILIES tell me it is tough dealing with their teenagers. One can imagine what it is like therefore for the single parent to manage their teenage sons and daughters.
Teens with their normal hormonal and other changes, bring diverse dynamics into the parenting equation and, if not understood, could create added conflict to the single parent. In previous articles, I challenged single parents to value themselves as well as their young children.
Today I will go a step further in suggesting that as single parents, you should value your teenagers.
With teenagers’ rapid growth, questioning minds, know-it-all attitude, fashion consciousness, independent outlook, mood swings, strong interest in the opposite sex, and other push and pull factors, the single parent has more than enough to handle. Some single parents may also be going through the challenges of menopause or andropause transitions which carry certain stressful characteristics.
Furthermore, there are still other single parents with teens who may be wrestling with the trauma of divorce, death of a spouse, giving care to elderly parents, or even seeking to cope with an irresponsible child father or mother.
The foregoing realities can make life extremely overwhelming for single parents who have to find answers for their teens. Fred Rowe, a psychiatrist who specialised in children problems, with three children of his own, once remarked: “There are no experts when it comes to parenting. And the people who tell you they are experts are not telling you the truth.”
Each teenager is wired up differently and at times you may have difficulty in figuring out how their internal circuit is running. Here are a just a few suggestions that may assist in helping you work with and guide your teenager through the changing scenes of their lives.
Decide to spend quality time with your teenager.
You may be so busy in trying to make ends meet and keeping your job that spending quality time with your teen may be tough. Make some times to be together; it helps you to keep connected. As often as possible, try to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner together, depending on your schedule. It may not work every day but every week have that connected time.
Eating together creates an informal atmosphere for sharing, laughing, counselling and bonding. Discourage answering the phone, texting or any form of external communication during that time of togetherness unless it is vitally necessary.
Don’t ignore the power of playing competitive games together because teens can be taught how to build social confidence and as well as adopting a positive attitude whether they lose or win. By spending quality time with your teenager, you are showing how much your value them.
Get to know their future career interest and encourage them.
Each child is differently designed as far as their capabilities are concerned. From early you may see certain inclinations toward a particular legitimate career path. Such a path may not be the kind you may prefer.
Although it may turn out to be the case, try not to force your teenager to be like you, career-wise. It will not only frustrate them, but may also give them the impression that you want to live your dreams through them.
I continue to hear from distressed teenagers of single parents who say they are studying towards a particular career because their parent desires it for them. I recalled an irate teen who dropped out of university and began to rebel against everything for which the parent desired.
I know of others who got emotionally sick and had to undergo psychiatric care. As a single parent, seeking counsel from those trained in giving career guidance may assist in showing your teen how much you value her/him.
Avoid speaking negatively to your teen about the other parent.
Although out of frustration you may think you have good reasons to spout out to your teen all the negatives you feel about the other parent, such information does not add value to the teen’s life.
I remember a young adult saying to me that during her teenage life her mother told her negative things about her father until she met her father who showed her documented evidence that everything the mother was saying was untrue. The anger that infused that teen toward her mother was lethal.
I have also come face to face with fathers who painted tainted pictures to their children about the mothers until the truth was revealed. It is good counsel to let your teen know that in life two parents may start out very happy in a relationship and sometimes the relationship may not work out as they wish, resulting in their going their separate ways. Value your teenager by assuring him/her that you will never abandon him/her because of what differences you may have had with the father or mother.
Allow positive words to flow from your lips toward your teen.
Trying to speak positive words to teenagers when they would not get out of bed on mornings, to do homework, or even get to a class on time, you may say is a joke. What a challenge! However, be aware, words are like pleasant music to the emotions, but can also be like poisonous arrows to the mind.
I continue to meet emotionally scarred teenagers who tell me that they are constantly being subjected to belittling words from mother or father. Such words can place painful dents in your teens’ personality and may adversely affect them in the long term. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21 that words can produce positive or negative results. As single parents, add value to your children by practising uplifting expressions.
Single parents, place a high premium on your teens. Find something positive to say to them every day as you guide them along the path of their future pursuits. Value them. They need you.
Next week I shall continue to look at valuing teenagers.
* Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email [email protected].
