“Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth. It is sad that so many parents don’t realize what messages they are sending.” – Virginia Satir
THE GROWING TEENAGER is a dynamic person. For every single parent to understand the complex nature of his/her teen’s personality, it demands a great degree of patience, a clear mind, plenty of love and flexible controls.
Last week, attention was given to my suggesting that single parents should spend quality time with, speak positive words to, and fan the career interests of their teenagers. A glance was also taken of your not speaking negatively to your teens about the other parent. Today I shall recommend additional tips that may assist you along the upward path of developing your teenager.
• Avoid being overprotective. The temptation for single parents to be overprotective of their teen is very great. I was in a certain Caribbean country years ago when a single mother wrestled a young boy to the ground because of an altercation he had with her teenage sons. Tragically, this mother then allowed her two teenage sons to stab that youngster to death. That mother and her sons ended up behind bars. Overprotection can also take several other forms.
For example, some parents believe they have the right to be everywhere their teens are going. Others prevent them from performing chores because of their belief that the teens need to be free to study and be involved in extracurricular activities. What single parents may not be aware of is that over- protecting teens may cause them to lose their self-confidence and become vulnerable to school bullies.
• Set and be steadfast with your rules boundaries. Some teenagers may behave as though they do not appreciate boundaries. They do. They will push against them but would highly respect you if you stand your ground. Setting down reasonable and realistic rules sends a signal to them that you care and value them enough to protect them.
Carefully explain your house rules and the consequences if they are violated. Follow through on the appropriate disciplinary action attached to the violations. Failure to do so, your teen may not take you or your rules very seriously. Not taking action may also give rise for a platform of delinquency to develop in your teen’s life; so adhere to your rules.
Listen to your teen
• Communicate with them. Be in the habit of listening to your teens; it gives them the feeling that you value their ideas and concerns. Teach them that they have the right to respectfully disagree with you on any matter, but they do not have the right to disobey. Get familiar with the language that your teens use to communicate with their friends. In doing so, you can be in touch with their world of thinking.
Sit and talk, not just to them but also with them, on important topics such as drug abuse, sex, goal setting, and respect for themselves. Since your teens at times may falsely believe that you know everything and do not go through times of emotional pain, it may be good at times to appeal to their intellect and emotions.
Make yourself vulnerable by allowing them to teach you some things you may not know; for example the many apps on your cell phone. Sometimes your teen may exhibit inappropriate behaviour such as shouting at you, or slamming the doors. Never get into a shouting match with them. They will cool down eventually. When they do, talk with them about acceptable behaviour and what will not be tolerated.
Appeal to their emotions by letting them know how sad you felt by their behaviour. It may surprise you how positively they may act toward you as they mature. The more you communicate with your teen, the more value they believe you are attaching to their well-being.
• Get familiar with the technology. Your teenager is surrounded by technology 24 hours a day, so get acquainted with it. Technology in itself is a marvellous instrument that can assist your teenager in several different ways. However, the misuse of this great tool can be detrimental to your teen’s mental, social, moral, emotional and spiritual health.
You do not have to be an expert, but there are some essential things you need to know about the different gadgets in order to safeguard the inquisitive and adventurous minds of your teens. If you are not computer literate, connect with someone who has the know-how that can help you follow your teen’s history on the computer, as well as install software that can block sites that are dangerous for your teen’s mind.
• Know their friends and their parents. It is your responsibility to get familiar with your teen’s friends and their parents. Find out where your teen’s friends live, their schools, interests, hobbies, lifestyle and anything that may help you make decisions that pertain to your teen’s welfare. Never take things for granted.
In addition, invite your teen’s friends to your home and observe their behaviour and don’t forget to make connection with their parents as well. Taking these initiatives and interest will demonstrate to your teen that you really value them although at times you may be misunderstood.
I endorse what James Dobson, psychologist, said when he emphasised: “There is no greater privilege in living than bringing a tiny new human being into the world and then trying to raise him or her properly during the next eighteen years. Doing that job right requires all the intelligence, wisdom, and determination you will be able to muster from day to day.”
Single parents, in your hands are valuable assets. Do all you can and also seek to obtain good counsel and genuine assistance in shaping your teens into an excellent mould; the kind that would grow up to call you blessed. Add value to your teens, it is worth the effort.
* Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email [email protected].
