Sunday, April 14, 2024

DEAR CHRISTINE: He’s abusive but I still love him


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Dear Christine,

I AM 16 years old and  my boyfriend is 21. He works and tries his best. Sometimes, I even think he tries way too hard to impress me. Like all relationships, we have  our rocky paths and our good times.

I am not like the average 16-year-old. All my other friends talk to multiple males but not me. I try my best to settle and converse with my boyfriend only. He does the same thing.

It had come to a  point in the relationship where we were arguing ceaselessly and there was a lot of verbal abuse. As a result, I decided to call it quits. Although I did, he wouldn’t let off.

About a year into the relationship, I met a young guy who attends  the same school as I do. We grew close because  my boyfriend and I had broken up. We got each other’s numbers and started to converse with each other. Before you knew it, we were head over heels for each other.

Whenever my  boyfriend and I were talking, I would mistreat the guy at school and vice versa. Two years into our relationship, I finally visited him. On the second occasion, we had sexual intercourse but this was nothing serious. For the two years we knew each other, I would say, we only talked good for six months – off and on.

My boyfriend found out we were talking, saw some things in my phone and was abusive to me. I even had a swollen forehead. That was not the first  time he physically abused me, so I decided to call it quits again. He still wouldn’t let go.

I told him everything after some hard persuading, except  the fact that I had sexual intercourse with the guy from school. Just imagine if he knew! I mean, I’ve seen him flirting in texts.

I just got fed up with the physical and verbal abuse but I know he loves me and I love him a lot. Honestly, he tries really hard to keep me and  pours his heart out to me. He always wants to see me do good and is always there for me.

I see a future with him and I don’t love that other guy half as much as I love my boyfriend. He always talks about marriage  and I really want to be  his wife one day.

I know you may  think it sounds crazy but we’ve been in this relationship for three years. I believe I provoke him by some of the things I do and say, and although I know he shouldn’t put his hands on me, there is only so much a person can take. I think he can work past being abusive.

Due to something that happened in my earlier childhood years, I don’t really show that I care for men and tend to push him away. I think he needs counselling. Let me just add I am really focused at school and my boyfriend encourages me to do my best. What do you think?

– S

Dear S,

I think your life is filled with too much drama for a 16-year-old schoolgirl and to know that you’ve been with this guy for the past three years fills me with revulsion. It means that since the age of 13 you’ve been engaging in sex and somehow living in a dream. What makes your situation more serious is the fact that you are being physically and verbally abused and you think it is because you provoke this young man.

Sweetheart, that’s not so. No man who truly cares and loves a woman will abuse her the way you are being abused. Where are your parents? Do they know your life is a serious mess? Are you the only one who cannot see it? Stop making excuses for your abuser. He has been abusing you from the age of 13 and is nothing more than a child molester.

Added to everything I’ve said, you’re playing a dangerous game – engaging in sex with these males – basically “at the same time”.

If you do not wish to become another statistic, you should seek some counsel.

Talk to your parents or some adult whom you can trust and get out of this mess. Don’t use the excuse that you’re doing well at school as a reason everything is okay.

It is not. Both of you need counselling, but separately. Wake up from your dream. It’s becoming a nightmare and you will be victim if you don’t get out of this weave you’ve woven. Seek that help like yesterday – before it’s one blow too late.



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