“YOU ARE CROSSING THE LINE, JULIE” was my husband’s reaction when I told him I would be writing about orgasms.
The troubled look on his face said it all when I explained that many intimate encounters are often coloured by routine deception. Although he didn’t ask me, he knows me well enough not to be worried.
However, I expect many men reading this to be wondering or asking their partners if they have ever done it. Done what, you ask? Fake it, les I am unclear. The reality is that many women fake orgasms during sex.
It’s a well kept secret that the sistren will hate me for sharing but it’s true. Most men will have no idea if an orgasm is real or if a woman is doing it to make them feel good or if it is her subtle or not so subtle cue to bring the encounter to a pleasant or screeching halt.
When speaking about this with ladies, I often say to them that that faking it does not really cheat your partner. It really cheats the woman herself from having a pleasurable experience.
Some women confidently express their sexuality. We understand our bodies and what we need to feel pleasure. We release ourselves to the moment.
In contrast, some women have a strange relationship with the idea of pleasure for pleasure sake. Sex may be seen as a duty or an obligation that comes with the marriage or relationships.
Sex for the sole purpose of receiving physical and emotional pleasure from a man may be an afterthought or be considered sinful and downright hedonistic. Indeed, many women during a sexual encounter may not be thinking of pleasure at all.
They may be thinking of random things like if the windows and doors are locked or if the dog has been fed. Or if engaged in the act, they may be thinking about what do next sexually or how to make him enjoy it more or if their lumps and bumps can be seen in particular lighting or at a particular angle.
The idea of having your partner take time to give you pleasure may be difficult to contemplate much less achieve.
It is important for women to see themselves as deserving of the time it takes to receive an orgasm. It may seem selfish or self-consumed to some to want to explore orgasms. We are socialised to think of women as givers. We give to our husbands or partners and children. We give as caregivers.
We give so much of ourselves that it is a real reconditioning that may be needed to insist on receiving in the intimate space as in that space we again are seen as being on the giving end. We give ourselves over to our partners or give what our partners need for fulfilment.
For some women who want to receive pleasure uncertainty abounds about what exactly is an orgasm and whether they have had one. Even during sex as exhilarating as it may be there is still uncertainty as to if as a woman you are having an orgasm.
What complicates it is that there are all kinds of orgasms all equally shrouded in secrecy and uncertainty. However, sticking to the vaginal kind, it is not really widely known that stimulation of the clitoris is what actually causes a vaginal orgasm.
Finding the clitoris and knowing properly what to do with it can take some time. Each woman has a unique individual experience of what gives them maximum pleasure. Many women’s faith or upbringing makes them believe that masturbation is one of those sins from the pit of hell.
Therefore many women have never explored their own pleasure sensors and therefore cannot give their partners guidance.
Men, note that for many women, it might take a long time to take time relax and achieve that build up to an orgasm. If leading into the encounter there is a quarrel or there is fretting or confusion of some sort between the couple, forget orgasms – feel lucky that you are having sex.
At BFPA we care about your sexuality and hope you do to.
Juliette Bynoe-Sutherland is the executive director at the BFPA. The health clinic can be reached at 426-2027 or bfpa@caribsurf.com
