Dear Christine,
PLEASE TELL ME how you’d deal with the following situation. I have been married for the past three years to a man whom I am now thinking of leaving. I have always been a faithful wife but I cannot stand the way my husband relates to my children – his stepchildren. I have three children from a previous marriage and I find he is very hard on at least two of the girls. My other child is a 17-year-old son.
He is extremely strict when it comes to their discipline. One of my daughters is ten and the other is 13 years old. I believe in discipline, but making them stand outside with their face to the wall or refusing them dinner if they fail to reach home early from school is not discipline. Thankfully, this does not happen often, but I see it as a form of child abuse.
My son is not happy with this treatment either and has asked me to walk away from this marriage. All three children are still close to their father – who has no idea what is happening.
When I first married my second husband, everything seemed fair until two years into our marriage when he started laying down “the rules”. Mind you, my husband lives in my house. We are not living in his, which he currently has rented.
I have talked to him about his treatment and he says the girls need strict discipline now or they will regret it later. I have also asked him if he loves my children and he said “sometimes”. This has me thinking a great deal because he came into a marriage knowing they were my No. 1 priority.
I am on relatively good speaking terms with my first husband, who has also remarried and is the stepfather to a ten-year-old son. To date I have avoided talking to him about this matter, but I am afraid I will have to at some point if the girls do not tell him before I do.
Let me point out that I am not from your country and I know people from different countries see things differently.
Right now, I am willing to leave my husband for my children’s sake. Would this be wrong?
– W.L.
Dear W.L.,
No, it wouldn’t be wrong! If you think his version of “disciplinary action” is creating conflict and tension among your children, causing you a great measure of concern and basically tearing your family apart, by all means give him his walking papers and don’t feel badly about doing so.
However, before you make the decision to leave, perhaps you should consider some form of family counselling. Let it not be a case where you ask him to leave, then regret your decision without first giving him a chance to speak to a professional about his actions. While you have not complained about him “physically beating” the children (and if this were the case, I would tell you get him out of the house right away), I would admit that his methods of disciplinary action are too severe.
Having said all that, I am not at all comfortable with the response he gave you concerning his “love” for the children. That speaks volumes and you must take that statement into consideration.
If he agrees to counselling, then give him that opportunity. If he does not see the need for help and intends to continue being the “big bad wolf”, then give him those walking papers.
– CHRISTINE
