Everybody has fallen down or been disappointed in love. Where you truly shine is when you get back up. Use it as a learning experience and believe in all of the possibilities. – Sherry Argov
DIVORCE OFTEN TRIGGERS deep and sometimes damaging emotional scars. Recovery and restoration can sometimes take several years, depending on the complex nature of the prevailing circumstances. Last week I highlighted some reasons why divorce occurs and concluded that with good choices, proper preparation, nurturing your marriage and applying God’s principles, divorce can be avoided.
The threats of divorce are never far away from your marriage life. If unfortunately divorce occurs, the journey will present some challenging humps and bumps as all concerned seek to transition in different ways. As a critical or traumatic incident, divorce can conjure up many emotional and other uncertainties that may affect individuals differently.
Emotional and psychological challenges:
Some divorce proceedings are very adversarial, and as a result the bitterness and hatred do not disappear overnight. I have encountered both divorced women and men who have said that they do not think they could ever forgive their ex-spouse for the resulting emotional pain. Others have lamented that the guilt, blame, feelings of failure, rejection, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, and flashbacks of the marriage experience still haunt them long after the divorce. Depression, anxiety attacks, loneliness, fear, hope to reconcile, and unforgiveness are among the other inner disturbances with which others wrestle. Divorce is likened to the physical death of a loved one and individuals will go through a mourning period that carries some of the previously mentioned symptoms. If the symptoms have not been occurring before the divorce but are currently taking place, in such circumstances they are all normal. If you find that you are not coping however, it might be wise to seek professional counselling.
Financial challenges:
Imagine there were once two incomes, a mortgage on the house, three children of school age, two cars. Then divorce comes along and everything goes haywire financially. Additionally, one spouse decides that he/she is not paying the full amount the court designated as alimony. The house then has to be sold in a depressed financial environment and the amount of money offered can go nowhere to meet the demands of another mortgage, gas or even food. This example is very real and is multiplied several times. The help of a financial advisor may be useful.
Physical challenges:
Sometimes physical difficulties like sleeplessness, headaches, chest pains, nervousness, back pains, loss of energy, loss of appetite, wanting to eat more or less than usual are related to the divorce. There are divorcees who display one or more of these symptoms but are told by their physicians that there is nothing wrong with them physically. In many cases the medical professional is correct, especially if those symptoms are present soon after a divorce. If those symptoms are not decreasing within a few weeks, it would be to the divorcee’s advantage to discuss the situation with a trained professional who works with emotional trauma.
Social challenges:
Social challenges can cripple individuals after the divorce. Shame, guilt and fear can frustrate divorcees who may feel as though social settings are not good for them. They may have a tendency to withdraw into themselves for fear of suffering further rejection and ridicule. Or some divorcees say that people who may be aware of the divorce may want to bombard them with questions that can generate the kind of negative feelings they can do without, so they choose to stay away from such encounters. A worthwhile activity would be to link with a support group that has clearly designed goals specifically tailored to divorcees.
Spiritual challenges:
I have encountered divorcées affiliated with certain churches that worry that they may have committed a grave sin or wonder if they are now disqualified from remarrying because of their church’s interpretation of the scriptures. Others relate that “church people” scorn and reject them. Unfortunately, some divorced individuals have left their churches because of the horrible treatment meted out to them subsequent to their divorce. Another set get angry with God. Whatever opinion different churches may have on divorce, the general consensus is that divorce is not the unpardonable sin.
God, the designer of marriage, said in Malachi Chapter 2, verse 16 of the Bible that He hates divorce and marital separation. That statement does not mean that divorce would not take place. The context however, speaks of God challenging married persons to preserve the sanctity and sacredness of marriage because of the positive implication it has for the society.
Divorce brings with it much pain but with a positive outlook during this trying time, you can see yourself as a winner and not a whiner. Next time, divorce and its effects on children will come into focus.
Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email [email protected]
