Dear Christine,
My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and obviously since I’m writing this, things aren’t going so well. My wife has no sex drive at all – none. We’ve talked about it, fought about it, and talked and fought about it some more but things don’t seem to get better.
I try to be understanding and end up frustrated. It’s an ongoing issue that is seeming insurmountable as time creeps by. When we first married, things were never really passionate, but my wife did participate and seem to enjoy somewhat. We’ve had two children together.
Our sex life is: me asking for sex. My wife has only initiated making love a very small handful of times. Her sighing and acting miffed but she usually submits because she is under the impression that it is her duty to have sex with her husband. Then there I am asking how she would like to proceed in fooling around. We have two positions to choose from.
I ask permission to please her in other ways and I’m denied, she doesn’t participate at all, and doesn’t reciprocate or anything. She hasn’t touched me in years, and gives me grandma kisses (never open mouth) and she sleeps in the same bed as our children and she thinks this is normal.
I have begged my wife to see some sort of counsellor with me, but she refuses because she is very shy. I don’t think she is having an affair. I have never had an affair and I’m absolutely faithful. I’m not bad looking, I’m healthy, I don’t smoke, do drugs, drink heavily. I am a good provider. I am a good husband. Did I do something that my wife can’t forgive me for? Is my wife in love with someone else? Do I give off an odour she doesn’t like?
I see and hear of other couples with great relationships and they enjoy each other sexually as well. I am hurt and angry. It would be different if my wife indicated that she wanted to make things better. Recently, she implied that this is who she is. This is it, and it’s not going to get better. I just about died inside. What do I do? I love her, but my heart feels like it’s in a vice.
– AT ALOSS
Dear At A Loss,
You have to go for counselling. Hopefully, when she sees how serious you are about this, she will go too. That’s the bottom line. I’m sure that you two have relationship problems, though I can’t guess what they are or if they can be easily fixed.
I would bet this has something to do with her background as well. But having your wife sleep with the children is not “normal” and I don’t use that word very much. Something is definitely off here and it needs to be repaired. By going to a counsellor you will be telling her loud and clear that you are serious.
She will understand that she can’t ignore this situation any longer. I can’t predict the outcome. You may end up splitting apart. But I agree that this situation isn’t a good one and needs repair.
– CHRISTINE