Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent. – Bob Keeshan
Years ago, a very good friend told me about an incident that took place in his country. This incident caused me to shake my head in amazement. He spoke of a man who left his country, fought on the front line in the Vietnam war and survived but on his return home he was going about his business and was fatally shot by a stray bullet.
The story of this innocent bystander forced me to think of the many children who survived the safety of their mother’s womb and are seriously wounded by the deadly crossfire of parents who abusively and viciously shoot at each other prior to, during and after divorce.
The short and long-term potential impact for practically every sector of society, according to psychologist Patrick Fagan of Family Research Council of Washington DC, could be very challenging. In his report to the World Congress of Families Nov. 1999, Fagan said: “In religious life, divorce diminishes the frequency of worship of God, and recourse to Him in prayer.
Diminished capacity
“In education, divorce diminishes learning capacities and high school and college attainment. In the marketplace, divorce reduces household income and massively cuts the life-wealth of individuals.
In government and citizenship, divorce massively increases crime rates, abuse and neglect rates, and the use of drugs. Also, divorce weakens the health of children; even their life spans will be shortened. Finally it increases behavioural, emotional and psychiatric risks, including suicide.”
In view of such revelation I shall therefore take a more specific sample look at what may occur in the lives of some children as they are struck on every side by the crippling side effects of divorce.
Emotional/ Psychological effects:
The trauma leading up to and after the divorce of parents can trigger some emotional issues for children, which they may not be able to handle. I have known of children who exhibited levels of stress that often play out in aggressive behaviour (displaced anger), fear, hatred, anxiety, depression, and insecurity, just to name a few.
Bed wetting, stomach issues, loss of appetite, headaches, intrusive thoughts and bad dreams, all of which may come after the divorce itself would fall into the category of post-traumatic stress (PTS). A study done by Eugene Beresin, Professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School of 400 children in their early teens whose parents were divorced revealed that 29 per cent of boys and 39 per cent of girls showed “high levels of PTS”.
Children also believe that they may have been responsible for causing the divorce and as a result may blame themselves for their parents’ action.
Over the years I became aware of hurting children who buried their early emotional childhood pain and put their energies into academics, sports or the arts and become exceptionally good at what they pursued.
However, upon reaching their early 20s and beginning to form intimate relationships, something may be said or done by their intimate partner that reminds them of their early childhood pain triggering a ballistic reaction. On the heels of emotional and psychological effects there are also some negative social spin-offs.
Social effects:
A few years ago I raised the question of marriage with a group of college students. To my surprise, some of them told me that they would never marry and cited the divorce experience of their parents and what they encountered during the divorce as the major reasons. It was obvious that the gradual loss of love between parents created a fertile soil for divorce and this had a great effect on these students’ future family outlook.
Weak skills
The social disconnect also contributes to the weak social skills that some children exhibit because of the impact of their parents’ actions.
Alternatively, some children may become too sociable, where they get into diverse forms of social connections seeking to quench their thirst for love and affection and may end up linking with men and women who may not have their best interest at heart.
I have also observed many youngsters from separated and divorced homes who seek father and mother figures to embrace. Again, if not careful in making the correct choices, these children may fall into the control of opportunistic human vultures who delight in taking advantage of their vulnerability.
Another of the many social downfalls of parental divorce is the child “divorcing” their parents by developing poor relationships with one or both of them. A girl of a divorced mother told me that she hated her mother and prefers to live with her father because she believed her mother was responsible for breaking up the family.
The social effects of divorce are lingering and unsettling for the children but the economic effects may be immediate and harsh.
Economic effects:
If both parents were contributing to the financial upkeep of the family unit prior to the split-up, the custodial partner would now bear the harsh financial burden. I have met children of custodial fathers and more so mothers who spoke of the hardships that they have had to undergo since their parents broke up.
For some children, seeing their now single parent struggling to make ends meet in order for them to enjoy a decent future, adds to their inner stress.
Sometimes the educational well-being, physical health and social activities of these innocent children may suffer because of a lack of financial means to meet the demands of these critical areas of the youngsters’ lives.
Although I do not believe that divorce should be a first response to conflict within the home, I strongly recommend that in some situations, especially in instances of protracted cases of parental abuse, getting children out of that environment is wise.
Children must not be made to suffer the stench of one or both parents’ selfish behaviour that often leads to divorce.
However, subsequent to the separation, every means, including counselling, must be offered to the child and parents in order to minimise the probable emotional distress. Let us all devote ourselves to keep our families intact and play our part in keeping our children safe and secure from the deadly jaws of divorce.
• Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email [email protected]
