BOYS CAN BE TOUGH TO RAISE. Handling and helping them develop a great sense of manhood necessitates both tough and tender love from the onset. Over the years, several single mothers have told me that it becomes extremely difficult for them to understand and adequately meet their needs, especially when they get into their late teens.
God in His wisdom set up a fabulous family structure, where both the husband and the wife should raise the children together in an intact and intimate environment. Scientific research is now confirming the value of dads having significant roles in their sons’ lives.
On June 21, 2009, the president of the United States of America, Barak Obama, wrote in Parade Magazine: “In many ways, I came to understand the importance of fatherhood through its absence – both in my life and in the lives of others. I came to understand that the hole a man leaves when he abandons his responsibility to his children is one that no government can fill. We can do everything possible to provide good jobs and good schools and safe streets for our kids, but it will never be enough to fully make up the difference.”
Although many consider President Obama as a successful president, the deficit of not having a dad was still being felt in his adulthood. As is the case for many men from all walks of life.
Today I am suggesting some areas where men may be able to move from fatherhood to “dadhood”:
Having respect for their son’s mother. The father who places a high value on his son’s mother is giving that child one of the greatest gifts he can offer. A son from early seems to have a delightful desire to bond with his father. By consistently respecting his son’s mother, a father is laying an excellent foundation for the growing son to view women as treasures to be treated with dignity and not objects to be used, abused and then discarded at will. A woman who is seeking an excellent life partner should always take time to see how her prospective husband treats his mother.
Spending quality time with their sons. Children spell love T I M E. Devoting quality time must become top priority, especially within the son’s formative years. Usually during the first five to seven years, emotional and other cornerstones are often laid that frequently determine the kind of life structure the son may formulate for his future. Caring for the child such as holding, talking to, smiling and playing with, cuddling, feeding, are all positive connecting behaviours that foster effective bonding with the male child.
Understanding and applying the power of positive touch. Psychologist, Dr Elaine Fogel Schneider, said that “Nurturing touch between a parent/caregiver and an infant enriches physiological, social-emotional, and mind/body/spirit connections for the infant being massaged, as well as for the parent. Being touched and caressed, being massaged, is food for the infant, food as necessary as minerals, vitamins and proteins.”
The value of positive touch, massage comes out from a team of researchers from the University of Warwick Medical School who found from various studies, “that infants who were massaged cried less, slept better, and had lower levels of stress hormones such as cortisol compared to infants who did not receive massage”. Fathers growing into “dadhood” should take note and apply appropriate touch to their young sons and even after the formative years have passed.
Playing with their sons. Although I knew that my dad loved me, he did not play that much with me. I found that pleasurably throwing my sons in the air and catching them; playfully wresting with them; pillow “fighting”; purposefully having to them ride on my back on land and in the sea, sometimes much to the horror of my wife, brought much laughter and joy to them in their early growing up years and created a healthy bond between us. Play helps the son to develop a competitive spirit as well as fairness in dealing with others.
Demonstrating positive and practical leadership before their sons. Women continue to tell me that they need fathers who can give leadership to their sons. Fathers moving toward “dadhood” must show his sons a consistent and determined example of honest work, where financial support for the home is never compromised. As sons gets older, giving them household chores and seeing that such chores are properly done will not only give the boys a sense of responsibility but also help them to appreciate the importance of the division of labour.
Celebrate and affirming their sons.
A dad will take the occasion to celebrate special occasions with their sons: their birthdays, graduations, award ceremonies, sporting and other activities. Sons feel special when their dads are celebrating with them. Like celebration, giving expressions of affirmation also boosts the son’s esteem level and lends itself for him to become a more secure and confident individual.
Teach their sons godly principles. I believe that every father seeking to graduate to “dadhood” needs to know that his child is a gift from God, and therefore deliberately guiding him by godly principles like honesty, and integrity should never be compromised. All sons need to be aware that they are not designed by chance, but fearfully and wonderfully made by a wise and loving Creator who has a clearly defined purpose for their lives. When sons acknowledge God in all their ways, excellent peace and a great sense of destiny and purpose are assured.
Dads should therefore lead by example.
Fathers let “Dadhood be your goal. Next week daughters come under scrutiny.
• Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant.
