DEAR CHRISTINE, MY NAME is J. . . and I am a 42-year-old single mother of two. I was married for 17 years before I divorced my husband because of his cheating. In fact, there was a trail of affairs which he had, sometimes with two women at the same time.
It seemed like every time I looked around, my husband was carrying on affairs behind my back.
Since I live in a district where everyone lives like a family and two of his workmates are friends of mine, I would always be made aware of his infidelity.
I have dated a few men since my divorce five years ago. In every case, I either caught them lying to me or cheating on me. In some cases, they were doing both.
Last year I met a man who appears to be sincere, honest, genuine and very much in love with me. The problem I am having in this relationship is that while I love him dearly, I do not trust him. I want to, but I just cannot.
Untrusting
I’ll be honest with you. I do not trust anyone, not even my own mother.
I know my failure to trust is destroying this relationship. He is a businessman who travels frequently, has business meetings on evenings and attends many social functions, which we have attended together on a few occasions.
I know I am making life miserable for him, yet he has not shown me in any way that my constant need for reassurance and my questions about his whereabouts when he is not with me, is a bother to him. In fact, sometimes, he laughs them off and calls me silly.
I know he is a God-fearing man and from our conversations, he has also been hurt deeply in the past. This one relationship appears to be going somewhere; that is, if I do not mess things up. While I do not want to mess up, I also do not want to be hurt or have to face disappointment all over again.
– J.L.
Dear J.L.,
Few things in life are guaranteed, especially if we do not spend time in prayer and knowing God’s perfect plan for our lives. People marry each other and ten years down the road, one turns around and kills the other. That’s life!
You have been hurt much in the past but do not allow your past to determine your future. You also should not allow one, two, three, four or five bad relationships to stop you from finding happiness.
It is clear that your reasons for not trusting men seem understandable when I read that your husband cheated multiple times, and you experienced the same rotten luck with men after your divorce.
The fact that you do not trust your own mother says a lot about your insecurity and how you view yourself – perhaps as someone who will never find true happiness.
If you want this relationship to work, first come to the realisation that you have to deal with you. Your problem seems to call for professional counselling. It may have more to do with you than your past relationships. Get some help quickly before this man stops the laughing and simply chases you away.
Ask him also for some time to fix your problem. If he did not care for you, he probably would have given you the boot with all the questioning he has had to endure about his whereabouts.
Don’t spend time talking about your past and looking with pessimism towards the future. There is hope, but you must believe in yourself and learn to trust “someone”.
Speak to a psychologist and fix this problem of mistrust once and for all.
– CHRISTINE
