Whether you are the Queen of England or simply the Queen of your own home, there are certain experiences life will throw at us that we all have to deal with.
Conflict is one of those things. How I have personally dealt with conflict has evolved over the years. As a child, I was very bossy and my need to always show I was right was paramount. I would get very frustrated in situations where I thought I was being unfairly treated or my family and friends were being disadvantaged.
My focus was not critical analysis of the situation. The main and only aim was “I know I am right. I shall show you I am right”. This was with my parents, my teachers, my friends and my peers. It is best explained by a meme on Instagram I saw recently which states, “One of us is right and the other is you.”
As I approach the latter part of my twenties, my modus operandi has metamorphosed with lessons learnt over the years. Since, Olivia Pope is a fictional character and perhaps those of us who are living under a rock have never heard of her, here are my tips for handling conflict.
Seek the truth
“The truth will set you free” is one of the mantras of my grandmother Mum Thorne. When issues arise, the most important thing to do is to find out what is the truth. People often joke about the fact that there is more than one side to a story. However, I believe that there is only one truth. This process is particularly important because the truth may allow you to know who the wrong person in the situation is or perhaps the fact that you are the wrong person in the situation. It is only after careful investigation that you can then set out a plan of action.
Peace is better than being right
Whether you are in an issue with a workmate or involved in a petty Instawar, more times than we realise, peace is better than being right. Sometimes, it is best to leave issues and people where they are and not approach or address the situation. In many instances addressing an issue will only make more drama especially when you are dealing with irrational people. There is a saying, “Never argue with an idiot, bystanders won’t know who is who.” Just how some mentalities can be ‘igrunt’, some personalities can also simply be wicked. Do not underestimate the amount of people who actively seek conflict or drama so that they can feel better about their lives. You can never win with such people. Let peace reign. As the old song says “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”
“Sometimes yuh goh leh people know who duh dealing wid”
In certain situations, peace will not suffice. Laying down and playing dead or being satisfied with the hand you have been dealt will not be enough. It will not be fair to you or those who look up to you. Sometimes the courts will be the only recourse. Sometimes calling out someone on their behaviour will be the only recourse. Sometimes losing friends and “fry-ends” will be the only recourse. Life is too short. As the video games say, “take ten and proceed to the next level”.
Read between the lines
In conflict, we should watch our tongue. I have a close friend who said to me this week that in a situation of conflict she simply stated “noted” in a WhatsApp chat. Although it was a situation for an entire “shelldown”, her rationale was impeccable. She said, “nobody is screenmunching me Toni. Nobody.” Screenmunching is taking a picture of a conversation on a phone. This extends beyond social media interaction. When we are angry, it is best to say very little. Reacting to a situation when angry never ends well. Why doesn’t it end well? Most people say very cutting things when they are angry. You would be quarrelling over a work issue and a catty tongue would bring up the fact that your husband is cheating on you. On that note, if you are the one receiving harsh words from a heated person, you must always be aware of these things. Look at the side comments. Assess those things which have nothing to do with the argument that people bring up. These comments really reveal people’s insecurities and the way they really feel about you.
Pay them dust
Once you have dealt with the situation and it has been resolved, nothing will ever be the same again. As human beings, we forgive but due to the fact that we are not perfect, we can never really forget. Hopefully, an amicable relationship will exist. If it doesn’t, pay it dust. Paying a situation and a person dust is simply moving on and ignoring. The blessed do not beef with the miserable. Raise your head, straighten your crowns and proceed to the next level.
Toni Thorne is a young entrepreneur and World Economic Forum Global Shaper who loves global youth culture, a great debate and living in paradise. Email Tonithorne@hotmail.com