Thursday, February 29, 2024

DEAR CHRISTINE: Tell-tale signs of an abusive partner


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DEAR CHRISTINE, YOU RECENTLY printed letters from women who were being abused in relationships. Please allow me to share 15 warning signs of abuse, which will help teenaged girls/boys/men/women to spot an abuser.

I have had to deal with abuse before, and the following tips helped tremendously. If an individual displays any of these signs, it’s time to run:

Verbally abuses you: Constantly criticises or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation and waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

• Pushes for quick involvement: An abuser will pressure the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

• Jealousy: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

• Controls: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

• Has unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

Isolates you: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble”.

• Blames you for their mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.

• Makes the other person feel responsibility for his or her feelings: The abuser says “you make me angry”, instead of “I am angry”, or says, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you”.

• Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted and claims to be hurt; rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

• Displays cruelty to animals or children: Sixty-five per cent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

• Displays playful use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

• Enforces rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

• Has sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

 Has a past battery record: Admits to hitting a former mate, but says the person “made” him or her do it.

• Threatens to become violent: Says things like:, “I’ll break your neck”, or “I’ll kill you”, and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way”, or “I didn’t really mean it”.

– B.B.

Dear B.B.,

Thanks so much for this advice.

It needs no further explanation.



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