DEAR CHRISTINE, YOU RECENTLY printed letters from women who were being abused in relationships. Please allow me to share 15 warning signs of abuse, which will help teenaged girls/boys/men/women to spot an abuser.
I have had to deal with abuse before, and the following tips helped tremendously. If an individual displays any of these signs, it’s time to run:
•Verbally abuses you: Constantly criticises or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation and waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
• Pushes for quick involvement: An abuser will pressure the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
• Jealousy: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
• Controls: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
• Has unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
•Isolates you: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble”.
• Blames you for their mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
• Makes the other person feel responsibility for his or her feelings: The abuser says “you make me angry”, instead of “I am angry”, or says, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you”.
• Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted and claims to be hurt; rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
• Displays cruelty to animals or children: Sixty-five per cent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
• Displays playful use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
• Enforces rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
• Has sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
• Has a past battery record: Admits to hitting a former mate, but says the person “made” him or her do it.
• Threatens to become violent: Says things like:, “I’ll break your neck”, or “I’ll kill you”, and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way”, or “I didn’t really mean it”.
– B.B.
Dear B.B.,
Thanks so much for this advice.
It needs no further explanation.
– CHRISTINE
