HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas! But don’t be surprised if you don’t get your gift delivered on time this year because I understand there is big, big trouble brewing up at Santa’s factory.
Santa’s little helpers have gone on strike.
A spokesperson for the elves, who gave her name only as Maria, said that Santa was a bully and working for him was harder than pulling teeth. She pointed to a large bee hive at the south-west of the building near the church, from which she said she had been the recipient of plenty bee stings over the past year but Santa had refused to do anything about it.
Meanwhile, another spirited elf, who preferred to remain anonymous but gave his name as Owen, questioned why Santa replaced the office chairs with wicker furniture. He said this type of furniture only encouraged the reindeer to eat it, and this was yet another instance where Santa had bitten off more than he could chew.
So I spoke to Santa about the situation and he called them ungrateful cows. He reminded me that he took them out of slavery where they were working 13 months a year. Now they only worked one month wrapping gifts but he still pays them for the whole year. And despite his kindness they called in the union for him.
With tears in his eyes, Santa told me, he give them a car park. But I reminded Santa that the car park was his and not theirs cause when they leave they can’t take it with them, and when they dead they can’t leave it in the will for their children.
Then he pointed at some of them on the picket line and said with hurt in his voice: “Look at them. When they came here them ain’t had no clothes; now they wearing S.Y. Adam and Eastmond-Gollops”
So I asked Santa how he know that them aint had no clothes, and before he could answer, in walked the reindeer with a union rep. They too had concerns.
One major concern was that Santa was deliberately feeding Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer with beans, cabbage and hard-boiled eggs, all prepared by politicians and known to produce hot air.
The reindeer contended that this dinner caused a build-up of gas and toxic odours and since Rudolph was up front and they were directly behind when pulling the sleigh, they got the full blast when he relieved himself of this gas.
The union rep was also concerned, that despite negotiations early in the year, where Santa agreed to lose some weight, he was still big, fat and heavy. They told him that unless he lost this weight by Christmas Eve night the reindeer would not be pulling him.
Furthermore, the female reindeer felt that Santa’s signature “Ho! Ho! Ho!” was directed at them and asked that he refrained from using it and use “Ha! Ha! Ha! instead.
And while all this was going on, in walked Mrs Santa Claus blue vex, with a woman name Maizie and a li’l boy. And Maizie say that the child belong to Santa and she was looking for some child money.
And Rudolph said it was true, cause Santa used to leave the reindeer and the sleigh up by the airport and catch BWIA to go and see his outside women, and if you doubt him you could ask Red Plastic Bag.
Almost driven to tears with this accusation, Santa threatened to shut down the factory, turn it into a golf course for apes, and sell the reindeer to the nearest Trini conglomerate or corned beef factory.
Merry Christmas and see ya.
Email: [email protected] madderic@twitter
