DEAR CHRISTINE, I am a 45 year-old woman who is married to a man whose wife died seven years before we met. We have been married for five years.
I love my husband and I believe he loves me, but since we got married he has devoted each memoriam day (the day his former wife died), her birthday and their wedding anniversary to placing flowers on her grave. Christmas is no different. He gets up early on Christmas Day to “spend Christmas morning with her”, as he puts it.
Christine, I am not a jealous wife, but something does not seem right. They were married for 15 years. He is 56 years old.
I believe that when we chose to get married, that was the time to leave the past behind. I feel as though there are three persons in our marriage – he, me and his deceased wife. Christine, the wedding vow says “till death do us part . . .”, doesn’t it?
I can understand two or three years of devotion to a deceased spouse but don’t you think that seven years is a long time to be living with the dead? It looks to me like he is not yet ready to join the living. Perhaps he should have stayed a widower.
I do not know if he has guilt feelings as I only came into the picture after she died. I am thinking I should move on with my life. I work, cook, clean and look after this man, but apart from a piece of paper saying he is my husband, he is very much a “married man” and I appear to be living in adultery.
Christine, I think he should be more considerate of my feelings and realise I am the one who is there now. His deceased wife cannot do anything for him other than what she did when she was alive. They never had children and we have none between us either.
Right now I am thinking that he can eat the flowers which he places on the grave and have sex with her corpse. I don’t think this is the way for me to live. What do you think, Christine?
– F.L
Dear F.L:
I’m sorry to hear you’re playing second fiddle to someone who is deceased. I can tell by reading your letter that you’re sad and unhappy. While I understand the need to mourn the passing of a spouse, I also agree that seven years is a long time. Your husband is obviously still living in the past and it’s not quite fair for him to be so insensitive to your feelings.
Unfortunately, I am not in a position to tell you whether or not to stay in this marriage. That’s a decision you must make for yourself. What I would say, is that you must make the decision that makes you most comfortable and happy. Life is too short to live it in a state of unhappiness.
– CHRISTINE
