Dear Christine,
MY HUSBAND AND I have custody of my 14 year old niece. She has seen a lot and knows a lot about sex. My husband says that we should let her do it in our home as long as she doesn’t bring it out of her room in front of our two children.
He says she is going to do it anyway, which I agree with, but I say I don’t want that going on in my home because I do have the two children who could learn more than they need to way to young and I don’t feel comfortable myself with it. He preaches safe sex, safe sex, safe sex but that doesn’t mean he can make sure she is being safe even if she is here. What should we do? We are having HUGE arguments over this.
– WORRIED PARENT
Dear Worried Parent,
The first thing I want to say is that parents, or guardians, can make sure that children understand everything there is to know about sex without also granting them a license to have sex. That’s at any age, but particularly at 14, which in my opinion is far too young to be having sex.
Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and she might know some things but have gaps that could get her into a lot of trouble. And if you’re uncomfortable talking to her, then get her an age-appropriate book. Since she seems to be very curious, I’ll bet she’ll read it.
When you give it to her, it’s important to let her know that you’re available to answer any questions, and you should probably ask her a day or two after you give it to her if she has any.
Young girls wo do not receive their father’s affection will very often reach out to some boy for affection and when they’re in that type of vulnerable state, that can lead to a sexual relationship. Since her father is not around, you didn’t say why you now have guardianship, your husband has to take on that father figure role.
The last thing he should be doing in that capacity is giving her permission to have sex, either in his house or outside of it. He needs to let her know that he loves her, he needs to give her hugs (if she’ll accept them) and be as important a figure in her life as possible.
I don’t know if he can replace her father, but he needs to try. But ultimately the message he needs to be giving her is that she is loved and doesn’t need to reach outside your home to find love.
– Christine