It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that prevents us from living freely and nobly. – Bertrand Russell
TIME IS NOT IN the business of signing a contract with anyone to guarantee longevity. With that understanding, it seems wise to carefully decide what you will embrace into your personal space with the goal of getting the best mileage out of life. Therefore, what you allow to define or govern your life can take a firm grip on the direction it will take.
In this series, I shall take a close look at some major areas by which people choose to define themselves and how such definition may affect their lives and others in the process. Today, I will begin with material things and try to convey how an individual’s world view, especially within the framework of family life, may be expressed by the influence of materialism.
Materialism, above other things, seems to have captured the tender hearts of many people who appear to be driven by its subtle charm for success. Award-winning novelist F. Sionil Jose once said: “We are shallow because we have become enslaved by gross materialism, the glitter of gold and its equivalents, for which reason we think that only the material goods of this earth can satisfy us and we must therefore grab as much as we can while we are able.” How thought-provoking!
As far as the family goes, there are two possible areas of impact that may emerge from a love for material things.
Influence on a spouse
If a spouse is obsessively taken up with material things at the expense of spending quality time with his/her partner, there is a high probability that material things are defining that spouse’s life. For example, a husband who is taken up with buying new gadgets (toys) every time they hit the market in order to make him feel special. If the wife also believes that she must have the latest of every fashion so that she can impress others, both partners may be strongly influenced by materialism.
I met some wives over the years who reported that their husbands were not connecting with them emotionally, but these same husbands were working long hours seven days a week. Some of these wives said that when they asked their husbands about emotional bonding, the reply was: “I working hard to make money to make you happy; what else do you want?”
I also interfaced with some husbands who lamented that their wives with higher incomes would refuse to assist with the purchase of certain home essentials, but would spend lavishly on themselves. When asked why they did it, some would remark: “This is my money, I work hard for it and I will spend it however I like.”
When materialism defines the life of a spouse, such action has the potential to damage a marital relationship and might even signal the demise of that union. The effect can go beyond the marriage; it can also affect their relationship with the children as well as how the children may view material possessions.
Influence on children
The story is told of a little boy who approached his father one night as he came home from another long day’s work and asked him: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?” The father thought it was an odd question and told his son that not even his mother knew his salary. When the father refused to answer, he asked the father to loan him ten dollars. The father did not immediately respond to his son, but later in the night came to his son’s room and handed him the money. His son was elated and thanked him.
To his father’s surprise, the boy took out some money from his own pocket and said to his father: “Daddy, could you sell me one hour of your time?” This father was so caught up with making money that he neglected spending quality time with his son. Richard L. Evans gave good counsel when he said: “Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.”
I am often amazed at the very expensive gifts that parents give to their children. Unfortunately, parents have too many bad memories of some of those same children being disrespectful when they can’t get what they have grown accustomed to enjoying. It is obvious that children may acquire a greedy appetite for material things if the parents do not discipline them to live within their means. Such lack of discipline may give these children a push into crime and violence to acquire material things by any means necessary.
It is also true to conclude that children have a tendency to model their parents’ lifestyle. So if the parent has a grasping desire for material things and constantly exhibits it, the child may calculate in his or her mind that such a lifestyle is worthy of emulation.
Billy Graham’s insightful words of wisdom to all parents are like eternal gems to be cherished. He said: “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
To my mind, Tom Ford, who became a billion-dollar success story for Gucci, put material things in perspective when he said: “I thought material things would bring me happiness, which they didn’t.” He further confessed that “working in the fashion industry, I struggle with materialism . . . . They’re beautiful, I enjoy them, they can enhance your life to a certain degree, but they’re ultimately not important.”
Material things do have their temporary role to play in everyone’s life, but when they are allowed to define your life, they have the potential of stripping you of decency and dignity. Jesus said that life does not consist of the abundance of things a person possesses. How powerful. Never let material things define who you are.
• Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email: griffitharticles@gmail.com